The fear of "what might happen"

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with my mother that really got me thinking about our habitual patterns, especially the one in which we allow the fear of "what might happen" to ruin our present. It reminded me of a time when I used to literally invite the negative in my life.

When there is tranquility at home and work, when I am feeling one with my surroundings, relationships and myself...you know, you've had those times too; when the babies fall asleep and stay asleep for a good three hours allowing you to really sit with your work. When you are all creative and in tandem with your kids' needs for play, when you and your husband literally telepathically know what the other is thinking. When this seems to happen day in and out, you begin to suspect it. You begin to think why everything is going so seamlessly.

Being present for life as it unfolds

Well, I begin to suspect it. I think why my husband and I have not had a fight in days, I think about why the kids haven't gotten sick yet and how come I am feeling such oneness with my work. Instead of really living in the moment of joy and bliss I think about how things can go wrong. Then I go and materialize it (albeit subconsciously).

I pick on the words my husband uses. If he says the food I made is "ok" I look at it as if he's said "its awful". I begin to complain that he isn't happy with anything I do, I may also stretch it and bring back the past. I may start to feel sad about how he "never" likes anything I do. At work, I might look at what I do more critically and the voice of dissent starts to take a stronger hold. There is nothing more fatal to creativity than the voice of the inner critic. With the kids, I may become more uptight with they way I play with them. Instead of going with their flow I might begin to control everything they do. Leading to tug of wars and squabbles. There! I invited the negative. And I say to myself, obviously, peace (at home, with my life) never lasts.

What might another scenario be? Today, I still suspect all the goodness in my life, but I am also embracing of all the yuck that might come about. Fights with the husband, sick kids, awful days at work, all of it is my life. All of it requires my unconditional presence. I have begun to acknowledge that if I can be with my present moment, by dropping the expectations of what I'd like it to be, I am living a seamless life, every minute.

...and I don't have to fear about "what might come" because that is my life as well. 

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This post was inspired by Catherine Just's prompt "Is it possible to be fearless". The post is part of the Summit Blog Tour, which leads up to the Soul*Full Summit hosted by Catherine Just. I’m thrilled to be a part of an event that empowers entrepreneurs, artists and creatives to take action toward their dreams while helping create more opportunities for people with Down syndrome. You can join the movement by signing up for the Summit HERE.



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Day 9: {Writer Girl} Writing about writing

"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that

you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and

your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom."

- Clarissa Pinkola Estés

This writing thing, I love it. But I have strange conceptions about it. I think that I can write only when I have something juicy going on, like a moment when I began to really see my child, or moments when I overcame a difficult phase in my life.

I absolutely shut down shop when I am wading through difficult waters...when it seems like the difficult phase I'm going through will take a long time to pass. I also can't write when I am feeling like I have nothing to offer to others who read or to myself. When I am mindlessly dragging myself through life.

  

I love conceiving an idea, letting it grow in my mind and heart, i love playing with words and i love how musical sentences can be when you weave them that way.I love how words transform and give meaning to my experience. I also love how they open my heart out and make me more grateful, kinder, calmer, and whole. But sometimes this very thing is such an effort.  

I love playing with notions of mindfulness, love, compassion, hate, jealousy, desire , anger, freedom, independence, interdependence and so forth and how they play out in my life and that of others . But I can play with these notions only when I am feeling somewhat accepting of myself and my present moment. 

When I am angry and overwhelmed, I am a mess and cannot stitch two words together. When I am sad or longing for someone I am poetic, deep even. When I am happy I am busy celebrating it, not writing.

Nevertheless, I don't think I have ever written like this though, every single day for the last 8 days (not on my blog at least). And I am realizing writing like everything else is practice. A daily practice of just returning to the now, of returning to myself, of bearing witness to my life and experiences, again and again. 

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days.

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Day 7: {Writer Girl}:Own your greatness

"When we feel anger, we are often very angry that we feel anger.

Damn anger! It tells us we can't get away with our old life any longer.

It tells us that our old life is dying. It tells us we are being reborn, and

birthing hurts. The hurt makes us angry."

–Julia Cameron

This prompt had me laughing. I love how it helps break away from anger and think about doing something more constructive. As I thought about this piece of wisdom by Julia Cameron, I felt my resistance (that i wrote about yesterday) breaking away. My self talk about being "not good enough" and my resistance to pick up the paint brush thereafter. In order to break the resistance, in order to move through that negative self talk...i had to acknowledge the dying of this old belief. I had to face the voices and in spite of it just embrace the moment, embrace my light.

so here it is...the finished work...

Own your greatness

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 
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Day 6:{Writer Girl} Breaking Resistance

"The more resistance you experience, the more important your

unmanifested art/project/enterprise is to you - and the more

gratification you will feel when you finally do it."

-Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

How we choose our calling is still a mystery to me. Yes, yes, in the day and age of Myers-Brigg's, aptitude tests and everything else under the sun a clinical psychologists like me can give you a fair idea of what your calling may be. Yet, this personal journey we dive into, this journey of introspection, discovery, intention, creation and success, this journey is a mystery. Each of us will have our own story to tell. Each of them with depth and lessons learnt from failures and accomplishments. 

The journey though is adorned with a good splattering of resistance. Our journey to reach our goals is just not as gratifying if we haven't met and surpassed our internal resistances. Yes, I believe this. And I am experiencing it right now. Three weeks ago I bought myself a 30 X 40 canvass. My first. I felt courageous and brave. I wanted to take the risk and jump in and see where it leads, this play with the blank canvass. The first layer was glorious, I was having fun with it, I loved the colors that came together and I felt at one with the piece I was making. 

First Layer 

I kept going because I wanted to. Slowly the voices within began to say that I could come up with something cooler, and beautiful. That's when I got stuck. While painting out the second layer, I was aware of this voice and yet trotted on. I said to myself that I will go with the flow but slowing I began disliking the flow, it didn't look pretty, it was in no way cooler than what I began with. I marched on and said to myself that it was okay. Then, my canvass started to see some mud. I began to panic. Oh gosh! I don't know anything about painting, why am I making the effort to paint, that too on such a large canvass! said my voices. The voices began to grow louder. That's when I washed my brushes and put aside my paints. I had become disconnected with myself. I had begun to see myself as separate from my calling. From what I truly love.  

Meeting Resistance

This is just the journey of my resistance with my canvass. I know that if I can pick up my brushes and stay with what the moment asks of me I will flow into and out of this aversion-greed-delusion triad. But I am still feeling the resistance.I have been in this place with my painting, with my writing and with any goal I have sought to reach. 

This is our journey. Resistance knocks us in the head and demands that we stop talking to ourselves so harshly, it tells us to shed our notions of being a certain separate self and challenges us to look beyond our narrow definitions of ourselves. It helps us look at our need for more and makes us look directly into the now. The journey in and out of resistance is not an easy one of course. We can stay here, for as long as we choose (that's resistance for you!) or we can just do it. Just go for it and see where it leads. And most often than not, it gets to the goal you set up for yourself.  

What doubts, hatred, wants and delusions riddle you? What are you resisting? 

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 
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Day 5: {Writer Girl} The art of letting go.

In spiritual life there is no room for compromise. Awakening is not

negotiable; we cannot bargain to hold on to things that please us

while relinquishing things that do not matter to us. A lukewarm

yearning for awakening is not enough to sustain us through the

difficulties involved in letting go.

It is important to understand that anything that can be lost was never

truly ours; anything that we deeply cling to only imprisons us.

-

Jack Kornfield

My Everyday push and pull...
breastfeeding my newborn (note the white wrap on my lap)
 just as I decide to get some work done

The journey of letting go is one of push and pull. The life that I lead is immersed in lessons on letting go. How much I learn is based on the stance I choose to take. The mind finds comfort in creating boundaries, identifying things and labeling them. And so I make to-do lists and must have goals. With a life full of untimely segues into poop cleaning, feeding, middle of the night cajoling, late afternoon play I can tell that I am setting myself up for that push and pull; the desire to get done with my lists and the pressing need to stay in the now. If my stance is " I need to/I must/I absolutely should get my stuff done now" then I can see myself spiraling down the vortex of frustration, multitasking and  complete abandonment of pleasure in reaching my goals. However if can set an intention and trust that I will manifest it, then I can let go of my neurosis around it and stay present in the right now.

And thus lies the answer in learning to let go: If you are frustrated, angry or indignant can you ask yourself: What is my stance with this situation? Am I holding too hard to it or can I trust myself enough to let go of my own neurosis?

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 

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Day 3: {Writer Girl} I am light.

Oh gently lay your head, upon my chest,

And I will comfort you like a mother

while you rest.

The tide can change so fast but I will stay

The same through the past,

the same in the future,

the same today

chorus:

I am constant; I am near

I am the peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy; I am wise

I am the only one who knows your heart's desires

your heart's desires

Oh weary, tired and worn let out your sighs

and drop that heavy load you hold

for mine is light

I know you through and through no need to hide

I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

Jill Phillips- "I am"

I am my worst critic. I am come down on myself really hard when I feel like I am not living my life the way I think I should be. I act like the stakes are high when a certain project doesn't go my way, or sickness comes beckoning. But, I also know of this side of me that is gentle, forgiving, kind and peaceful. I know her through my practice of journaling.

Today when I sit back and look at my year long journaling in my art journal I realize that she is there, that gentle part of me, kindly nudging me to live fully, live imperfectly, live joyously through difficulties and ease, but especially through difficulties. She writes little prayers of peace and ease during times of difficulties. Even during my darkest hour she will write out something so immensely wise, she will write then but it will only reach my ears later, when I look back at my notes, when Iam actually ready to listen, and start moving towards light.

Sometimes I wish for this bright light within to stay, to stay for as long as she possibly can, but I push hard. I will for my light and joy, for my mindful ways to replicate every day. Can you see the fallacy in that? I want time to freeze in the zone of utter oneness, I want time to still in that place when life is in tandem with everything I do. The desire to want something a certain way and the fixation to have it manifest just like that, in that particular stubborn way itself is the indication that light, joy and presence have left the building. I've also had intellectual discussions in my head about how to manifest this glowing positive self of mine without pushing too hard. Its funny how I set myself up for frustration.

But here it is, the basic truth, I am light, I am joyous imperfection. I am ease and peace. And so are you.


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Messages to me

This year has been so full of stress with life on the go...now even though I have given myself permission to stall, pause and breathe, my mind is still accelerating.

A timely reminder was a dear friend Beth Pastore's lesson in our Mindful Motherhood private group called "messages to me". One of my messages to myself right now (and given my temperament, perhaps always) is to slow down. As a visual person I better remember when I have reminders like this...

Like to join the FREE Mindful Motherhood private group page? Let me know in the comments!

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Falling in love In Plain Sight

I have known my husband for 14 years now and we have been married for 8 of those years. It has been quite the journey really from knowing him as this someone who could make butterflies aflutter in my stomach to trusting that he'd be there for me in his quiet strong way when I really need. We have had our moments of complete and utter falling outs too...where I just couldn't or wouldn't connect to him and then after a few hours, a few days, life would just fall in step.

Some would say we are a story of opposites attract. Yin and yang like. I know though that we are alike in many many ways. Yes, yin and yang sounds about right in many ways but we are also birds of a feather. Love though is all that matters in this relationship. We know its there come what may.

Right now I am pregnant (for the second time), 38 weeks...any time now really. All this month I involved myself in this fabulous photography course called In Plain Sight by Catherine Just,  to connect with my dear little unborn baby (click on that link to see how that experience was) and my husband. I know from being a new mother before that connection with your spouse, my spouse takes a back seat for at least 6 months before we feel like one again. I know that my birth plan is one that my husband accepts for me but hopes I chose something that involved stubbing the pain and making the process easier. Because he loves me. I know that my birth plan means that he cannot bear to see me in labor, in pain and will choose, like last time to sit out and fret and worry and tear up when he sees me. I know this. Its the yin and yang thing...it will break my heart that he isn't there being witness to this birthing too, but it will also be okay, because that's just how we function.

So knowing me, knowing us, knowing that our love for each other is very alive, right here, I took up the wonderfully rewarding task of photographing moments when my husband and I kiss everyday. Yes, we kiss everyday and I wanted to store that in the deep recesses of my memory. Our memory. I wanted to remember that yin and yang is our way of life. That what matters is love and staying open in that love.

My husband was totally willing to do this. He wasn't sure why I chose this theme or what i'd do with it, I wasnt sure either but we both went with it and it has been such a joy. It has become our moment of connecting. With a toddler in tow it is hard to find moments of quietness, just the two of us. And now my home is pretty full with family, to help me with the second munchkin on its way. So with this project I made sure we'd be available for some time together before I hit the bed. We ended up having so much fun doing this, just setting up the timer, conversations between the kisses, moments of embrace post picture taking...all of it was worth the exercise!

Then there's are the pictures itself. They depict so much of who we are, our personalities, our joy in coming together, our moments of quietness and togetherness. I am going to treasure this for the rest of my life. Here are some of the pictures I took this month.

                               
                                 

Thirty days of love, thirty days of nurturing simple moments that are of profound importance. What else can a gal ask for. 

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Join the Mindful Motherhood Private FB Community

Embracing Motherhood: Pic taken during In Plain Sight E-course

Its About Time You Embraced Motherhood and Yourself Mindfully:

Join the Mindful Motherhood Community

Mindful Motherhood is a safe space where mothers with children of all ages come together to support, care for and honor themselves and other mothers. This group is meant not just to offer advice to other women in the journey, but also to help women feel affirmed, acknowledged and validated for the experiences they are going through-as mothers, career women, wife's, and more. The group is a private page, so only members within the group will know you and be there for you, making it a wholesome safe space to explore a variety of concerns, problems and projects. 

As a part of this private community, I will initiate different projects every month and we can work on them and share the results of these projects within the community. The projects will be centered around themes of how to cultivate mindful attitude towards oneself, towards parenting and towards our relationships with others. The tools that I will use as mediums to explore in the project are photography, scrap-booking, and journaling and art journaling.

This private group is open for now, only to my facebook fan's at Between Life's Doingsas well as my subscribers at Between Life's Doings. The group will take members all around the year but for the next two months it will run with a group of core members (you could be one of them starting this 15th July!). Integrity and respect is of utmost importance and members interested in joining the group will adhere to the same values.While the group is an online community, we will eventually have in-person sessions where we come together to initiate, bond and share our life's art, stories and experiences. For this reason, you should know that the group is based out ofHyderabad, India. 

Why am I doing this?

Because it is important don't you think? I am a mother of one and pregnant again and I've always always craved for this kind of space. I know from my client's experiences and from friends' conversations that the world needs it. Women, especially mothers, from all over the world, need and should get support and partnership in anyway possible to walk along this curvy, bumpy and amazing path of motherhood. 

I wrote an e-book "Mindfulness for Working Mothers" (which you can click here and download by the way) and this private group is another step in the direction of meeting, supporting and acknowledging mothers and the journey they go through.  

So without much ado...if you are interested in joining the private facebook community subscribe by clicking HERE and I will add you to the private page immediately. For now the group is FREE of cost!! meaning there is nothing more precious than relationships we will discover here. We will run a private group for core members who first join for a period of two months and then open it up for more members to join. All the fun, exploration and love starts from 15th July 2013. 

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A creative exercise in introspection

The other day I chanced upon a treasure on Elephant Journal on how to engage one's creativity...the writer there, wrote about the non-dominantt hand technique...it was a simple process and I was really stuck by the psychological underpinings of it. Here is the link to the article if you would like to follow the instructions and explore the inner recesses of you.

I was taking a work break when I chanced up on this exercise and it was such a blessing. I was immediately drawn into an inner trip and loved the end result. All of it just flowed beautifully to the surface. Arn't you curious about what might be invoked within if you were to participate? Go ahead, try!

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How to Meditate

This was instruction that my father sent along in an email, so i can come back to my meditation practice. I hadn't been meditating for the last few months and truth be told I was dreading to sit. Its a simple practice and so powerful yet its so strange that Ive been running away from it, from myself. With these instructions I am going back to to my practice of sitting, everyday. 

I thought it would be great to put up the email pointers as a guide to those seeking to sit and meditate. Here's to your practice:

Here are the steps for Samadhi meditation:

1. First do few stretches if you dint do full or part yoga already.

2.Sit erect in a quiet, cool and dimly lit place and take five deep breaths counting backwards.

3.Relax and let go and loosen up.

4. Say to yourself: “Right now, in this moment, everything is OK. I accept this moment exactly as it is. All is well”.

5. Just BE, in a non doing state. Do not do anything mentally as well as physically. Just be. Since everything is already OK there is no need to do anything.

6. Do not create any thoughts. Just BE.

7. If a thought comes up on its own, do not block it. Do not hold on to it. And Do not be carried away by it.

8. If you find yourself carried away by a thought, just drop it and come back to just be.

9. Be like that for a while (if necessary keep timer for ten of fifteen mins before sitting and BE till then).

10. Take five deep breaths counting forwards and slowly open eyes and rub palm together and rub face and get up.

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Lifting myself from the noise of today.

Twenty months ago as a gift, my little brought with her an awareness I hadnt noticed before.  I was made acutely aware of my world, the need to be more mindful and intentional as I put step after another gradually and in leaps and bounds into the person I am and can be. Slowly, for those who read my blog, this  space became more about my opening into mindfulness, the noise in my head and the world around. I began to write about what I was craving to achieve in my life-center, calmness and peace. And as life calls for ups and downs, I endure and pass through them every now and then.

I am not sure why I am saying all this. But I know for sure that life comes full circle. I am at a junction, a place in life where I need my own lessons the most. From a state of boundless openness, I have gone to a place of utter chaos, of survival. And of course I realize it is possible. I realize with utter humility that sometimes life just stinks and there's no way around it than through it.It is thanks to my lessons in gratitude and meditation that I feel I am able to go back to that place of  stillness, even if it is only for a few seconds each day now. I crave for another life right now. A life of less chaos, of more time for love, calmness and control. But that is the irony of life isnt it? What you think you want most is not what you need right now.

The situation I am in is a situation of everyday of course. But somewhere because of pressures from this and that I've stopped acknowledging a need to stay in the present. At least right now. I have my moments, times when I am fully absorbed in love, work and things I am doing to help me bounce. I feel a great need to shift my energies to place of creativity and spontaneity again. And I will. However, here's what Ive been learning from not being very mindful.

Staying in the moment with a toddler this cute is so simple.

-I will fall, I will tumble, I will be insanely unmindful. It is okay and I will just need to forgive myself.
-That there will be no time to think about anything but survival, about how to go through and out of a certain day, week or a month and that's just how things will be.
-That, that magical stillness is ever present but will go unnoticed in the rush of things. There will come a time you (I) realize this and will just as easily slip into stillness. Thank goodness.
- Big fun things can take a backseat but small wonderful joys cannot go unnoticed...like your daughters budding language skills, your husband's knowing concern and love for you, your parents rock solid support, your sisters wonderful funny jokes, your friends' totally different life that fascinates you. This endless list is what keeps me afloat.

If you have stopped journaling like me (temporarily) or never have done before, just quickly writing down something akin to a list like this brings back that smile. Will you try? Try writing about the small things that lift you from the noise of everyday.



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Guest Post: Practicing Gratitude in an Insane World

It is such an honor for me to guest post at Subho's Jejune Diet. In a crazy world like ours practicing gratitude can be such a struggle and effort. Hop on over to SJD to find out how and why to practice Gratitude towards all of life's situations.

Click here to read the post


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Riding the wave of emotion.

I cant remember feeling this resistant to life than I do right now. I feel angry, I find myself tearing up, my insides feel sore. Most days I can hold and gently move out of this state. Most days I don't feel so strongly in my bones, this resistance. I can journal, paint and draw myself out of this feeling state but that is not happening this week. 

I sit in meditation and watch my resistance, I find myself irate and restless, still I continue to sit for ten minutes. I wake up in the middle of the night tending to my little one, and some nights I just have to wake my husband to help me with her because I seem to be bubbling with something inside. Something akin to anger. Immediately after I react I notice my pattern and make a mental note for the next time. To not react so strongly. 

This riding the anger is a painful thing. This pain is a painful thing. It is what it is I suppose. Riding along, reactions waiting to jump out of my skin, sometimes bruising others and myself and other times just staying there in my conscious awareness. The reasons for this anger are this and that but what sits with me is not the reason but the anger itself. The feeling itself. It is what it is, I suppose.

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Mindfulness for Working Mothers

I am so exicted to announce my very first Eguide! Mindfulness for Working women is packed with 16 pages of ideas and information that can help you stay mindful on this journey of navigating the world of work and motherhood. 

Is this Eguide for you?

• Do you feel torn about going back to work after having a baby?
• Do you experience opposing views about being a stay-at-home mother or a working woman and don’t know what the right answer is for you?
• Do you feel like you will be doused by emotions of separation when you leave for work and hence are afraid of going back?
• Have you started back at work but feel something’s amiss?
• Do you struggle with balancing work and home?
• Do you sometimes feel overcome by emotions of not doing enough at home or at work? 

If you answered YES to one or more of these questions, this Eguide is for you. Also, if you know

women in your life experiencing similar states of being, go ahead and get it for them. In this

Eguide we will explore ways to combat feelings of anxiety and worry that are so innately tied

with going to work after becoming a mother. We will explore the many ways to stay grounded and

open to experiences of this new stage of womanhood. You can embrace both being a mother and

a working woman. Yes, you can go back to work fearlessly. Click on the link below to subscribe

to download your free copy today.

Click here to Get your Eguide Now

Mindfulness for a busy life.

I know busy. I am busy. I believe that a busy life makes mindfulness mandatory. Here's what I recommend, remind myself and practice:

1. Do what you are most passionate about. And if you are already doing it, then be mindful about those irksome aspects of your work and pour some love into those areas too. That's the way to be most alive at work and at home. Need some help with finding your passion? try this.

2. Stop thinking about what to do next. What are you doing right now? Just focus on that. Here's how you can learn this skill.

3. Stop feeling guilty about what you did or what you are not able to. Persistent, gnawing guilt is unnecessary, it only perpetuates more of itself. Instead, feel bad if you must and learn from the event in order to move on.

4. Wake up early, practice yoga and meditation (or some form of grounding practice) and partake in some creative activity before you start your day (if you can). The creative activity could be anything from writing, drawing, quilling, whatever rocks your boat.

My Monthly Wall Planner at Home

5. If you desire more clarity and focus to your day keep to-do lists and organize your day. Your brain cannot remember everything. If you must, keep a planner and schedule home and work stuff on different planners (that you can use in either places). Without overwhelming yourself complete the to-do lists as much as you can while you are meet the day as it unfolds.

6. Schedule self-care to-do's in your planner too. In my room, on the wall I have a planner up for the week (besides this monthly planner you see in the picture. I remind myself to keep next day's work clothes out, to care for my skin-face and body, and to care for my hair. If you are thinking "what the hell" then let me tell you, in my busy life with baby, hubby and work I tend to easily let go of basic self care of even applying moisturizer to my skin. This serves as a reminder for me to take 2 minutes out for myself, come hail or storm.

7. Put up a planner in the kitchen too, so you can keep track of groceries, what to cook each day and so forth. I need this, ABSOLUTELY. Why? because I really dislike cooking but I know so well, how important it is to make a good home cooked food for the family. So by putting this planner up I prepare myself to like cooking, or deciding on what to cook and so forth. Here are some ways to spruce up your planners.

8. Keep a gratitude journal. I have been doing this a while...I write about three things I am grateful about everyday. I try to write everyday. Studies indicate that people who maintain a gratitude diary are more happy than those who dont. While I dont know about happy I feel more grounded in the reality of my days. I feel a greater sense of appreciation for the low points and the high points of my days and I also feel more capable of managing difficult patches of my life. Here's some help with this.

9. More recently, in an email exchange with Catherine Just, she gave me a precious piece of advise. She advised me to journal everyday (or everytime I remember) about three things I am grateful for about WHO I AM as a way to build a sense of self acceptance and love. I cannot tell how unbelievabily glad  I am for this amazing piece of advice. This rings as important for me because I often struggle with accepting myself for who I am in the right now-especially when I am angry, frustrated or exhausted. I expect to function with complete grace and wisdom at all times and my demands upon myself are really my worst enemy. This acceptance of myself as who I am is a way for me to accept everyone I love for exactly who they are right now. Write about three things you are grateful for about WHO YOU ARE right now.

10. " I have no time" is just a ruse for "I dont want to do it". Even if it is only 5 mintues, take some time out to practice the activity you love most- for me it is many five minutes of meditation, scrapbooking, art journalling and self care. And why do that? To stay creative, mindful about everyday life. Here's inspiration to take time out.

What helps you stay mindful in your busy life?

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A prayer...

 

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My salve for difficult days

It is one of those days again, voices of judgement and reprimand rise from within like high tides from tepid, calm waters. Try as hard as I may, I come to this place every now and then. This place that belongs to the critic in me. This place that bubbles up feelings of dismay and sadness, of tears and wordless bewilderment.

"what is happening? What should I do to feel better? How should I change the way I live?" often leads itself to writing...and then what? I know that for me, the answer lies in the present moment. But its not just the present moment. It also lies in discerning what my present moment needs and does not. It is a process of trying and trying again, coming back to the present moment with discernment, again and again without judgement about failed attempts, without harsh words thrown at others and myself. And that is what seems unendingly hard on some days.

Resting in the present moment

A few posts ago, I talked about beginning to uncover the critic within. I spoke about the beginning of an intentional journey into understanding her, this critic within. This person that tells me time and time again that I should do more and be more. This critic that tirelessly tells me that I am anxious, I am tired, I am not fully present, I am multitasking, and so forth and that I should be some other way, more calm, energetic, present and focused. Noble but harsh, very harsh in expectation.

This is why I write now. To acknowledge this harshness with gentleness.
To acknowledge that it is practice, practice and practice. All life is practice without an expectation of a perfect end result. Today sucks, tomorrow doesn't, day after does, and the next day does too and all of it is time to practice. A practice to hold any kind of day with gentle openness, to hold harshness with gentle openness and to practice gentleness with myself, for that is what will help in practice with others.

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Review Part III: The Practice of Contemplative Photography

Flashes of Perception
(Continuing my review of the book, 'The practice of Contemplative Photography by Andy Karr and Michael Wood')

There are three stages in taking pictures the contemplative way. The first one is to connect with the flash of perception. This has been such a difficult aspect for me to grasp and when I did, such an exhilarating one. I am still playing with it but stepping into the awareness that flashes of perception happen all the time was just too much for me to contain, so I write.

Looking outside the window

A flash of perception is when sudden gaps in the flow of mental activity occur and you see things just as they are, without labeling or judging them. Remember times when traveling by bus or plane and you suddenly wake up from sleep and see everything vividly? You see everything with brightness, wakefulness and shock? This happens to me a lot. I am dosing off in the car or plane that I am traveling by and when I wake suddenly to what's outside the window I am jolted out of my sleep. I look at everything outside with shock and amazement because everything appears so vivid. The colors pop out, the light shines forth and objects appear clear as crystal. That is flash of perception. It is only after those few moments of flashes do I start labeling what I see (car, greenery, red, mountains, etc) and judging them (great, beautiful, lovely, etc)

The authors in this book say that you need to connect to this flash of perception first. Stay with it and discern it, before forming the equivalent of what you have seen in order to take a picture. However, even before you connect with this flash of perception you need to become aware of its occurrence, because there is no way to  force it to manifest.  No, I was not yet ready to give up on photography, so I kept reading. With an exercise the authors present, I quickly experienced flashes of perception and began to see that they occur ALL the time (but  we gloss over it and move on too quickly). I've got to say, my heart began to sing after this exercise! Its called the Human Camera exercise.

The exercise is a comprehensive one and I would love for you to do it. In brief though, the idea is to use the eyes, tune it and sync it with the mind so that you become aware of the first step to seeing, which is perceiving everything as it is, without categorizing, labeling and judging.

An excerpt from the exercise ''In this exercise you are going to turn around with your eyes closed, suddenly open them like a shutter, and then close them again. This will expose the sensor of experience to the flash of perception. Whatever conceptual processing you do will become obvious in the moments following the flash"

I did the exercise at home, but for me flashes really began to become obvious when I was in the car on my way to work. I closed and opened my eyes every now and then to be really shocked and amazed at these flashes of perception! And slowly I began to become aware of their occurrence without doing the exercise.

I am not sure how to hold on to this flash of perception yet. But that is what the next step working with discernment is all about. For now though, I am loving this stage of connecting with the flash. It is amazing how meditative this exercise is to bring the mind to rest in the present moment, moment after moment.

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Review Part II: Boredom and Entertainment.

Yesterday was a restless day for me. Looking back, I know that I spent the day online without much to do. I was just sitting there, on my chair, looking at the laptop reading stuff that I am not sure now why I was reading. I stole time from my little one to do this. When she was playing by herself or with someone else at home I would walk to my chair, sit and read something online. She would come looking for me and demand that I carry her, play with her. I would comply and go back to play but when she was doing something else, I would come back to the internet. Like there was something more important to do than spend time with my little one. I was distracted and multitasking and a sense of subtle irritation persisted.

Late this morning, I opened The Practice of Contemplative Photography and read this section on Boredom and Entertainment:

...The basic question is, why can't we relax when we have nothing to do and enjoy a little bit of space in our lives? The problem is that we are afraid of our own hearts. There are many, many things we haven't wanted to look at. The heart is so sensitive, so ready to resonate with the world, that we keep it covered, fearing we wont be able to stand being touched. ... In fact, you don't need to shield yourself. It is good to expose the heart. By exposing your heart, you begin to make friends with yourself on a deep level, and this will break the cycle of discontent and compulsion. When boredom arises, don't run away. Simply acknowledge the feelings and rest with whatever they are. ...The more you open your heart, the wider your eyes will open and the more you will see.

This rang a different alarm for me. I closed the book, let go all need and desire to photograph anything, went to my little one who was playing with her gramma and sat there, and watched her do her thing. There was nothing else to do, nothing better than this moment. The pleased look on her face was such a joy. She kept watching me watch her. She adorned me with kisses, reinforcement for my good behavior. Everytime thoughts of doing something else came, I let them go and came back to her. Watching her, listening to her babbling songs, her funny dance and explorations. What a peaceful afternoon we had. One that was a glaring contrast to yesterday's boredom, irritation and running away. 

...boring and interesting dont exist from the side of the subject at all. They only exist in the mind of the observer. 

When I came back to my camera, I chose to do The Twenty-shot Assignment that encourages the practitioner to "explore a subject thoroughly, a subject that offeres nothing in the way of conventional photographic interest." The authors give a list of possible subjects and I chose my kitchen sink! You read that right! 

The exercise was a great GREAT way to explore aspects of color, texture, light, pattern and line in something as ordinary as a kitchen sink and reiterated for me the importance of sitting with the present moment in the face of mind chatter, in order to find that space where new and fresh perspectives can be experienced. 

Exploring the diversity of Subject                                                                                                                          Delhi, July 2012

The exercise is a wonderful take away for me to to address boredom and those other nagging feelings not just while I am working with the camera but also when I keep the camera down. More later.


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