Interruption

Been out and about with a toddler and an infant in tow. Its been a fun flight from one home to another....we are visiting my folks and I have been away from my blog series...writer girl! But I HAVE been writing in my journal and its getting deeper and more personal. I am diving deep and this space is not for such a personal exploration. So I am stalling the series on my blog and taking it further in my journal. You will find Writer Girl up here when she is ready to share. Between then and my next post, enjoy the pictures we took from the journey!

Sweet Curiosity

Light!

Loving the sight

And the show comes to an end!

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Day 9: {Writer Girl} Writing about writing

"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that

you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and

your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom."

- Clarissa Pinkola Estés

This writing thing, I love it. But I have strange conceptions about it. I think that I can write only when I have something juicy going on, like a moment when I began to really see my child, or moments when I overcame a difficult phase in my life.

I absolutely shut down shop when I am wading through difficult waters...when it seems like the difficult phase I'm going through will take a long time to pass. I also can't write when I am feeling like I have nothing to offer to others who read or to myself. When I am mindlessly dragging myself through life.

  

I love conceiving an idea, letting it grow in my mind and heart, i love playing with words and i love how musical sentences can be when you weave them that way.I love how words transform and give meaning to my experience. I also love how they open my heart out and make me more grateful, kinder, calmer, and whole. But sometimes this very thing is such an effort.  

I love playing with notions of mindfulness, love, compassion, hate, jealousy, desire , anger, freedom, independence, interdependence and so forth and how they play out in my life and that of others . But I can play with these notions only when I am feeling somewhat accepting of myself and my present moment. 

When I am angry and overwhelmed, I am a mess and cannot stitch two words together. When I am sad or longing for someone I am poetic, deep even. When I am happy I am busy celebrating it, not writing.

Nevertheless, I don't think I have ever written like this though, every single day for the last 8 days (not on my blog at least). And I am realizing writing like everything else is practice. A daily practice of just returning to the now, of returning to myself, of bearing witness to my life and experiences, again and again. 

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days.

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Day 8: {Writer Girl} Don't Multitask

"Why does it seem like whenever you live fully in one thing, some

other portion of my life must die"

Robin Norgren.

Piaget an insanely brilliant psychologist of the 20th century made some astute observations about children. One of them was object permanence, the understanding that objects (people, things, etc) continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, heard, or touched. He said that until 8 months of their life infants make no attempts of retrieving an object that is completely hidden from their sight.He inferred from this that for children between (~) 0 to 8 months, out of sight meant out of mind. In someways this reminds me of mindfulness practice. The idea that we can focus on what is in front of us and be completely with it, instead of thinking about what is not there or what needs to be done.

How much we suffer from the over usage of object permanence as adults! Case in point, I usually write after both the kids hit the bed. But because my infant is an infant, he's still trying to figure out what wake-sleep cycle works best for him. So on a day like today he sleeps all through the am and stays up for a good part of the night. Right now, I have him on my lap as I type these very words. Just a while ago I breastfed him while typing with one hand, then because I was not paying attention my breast slipped off the target and the poor child was rooting, after a loud squeal I realized what I had done. Then because I write at night, I had him on my lap gently moving him, hoping he'd sleep. but again because my attention was divided between trying to put him to sleep and having something written before I go to bed, I was not paying attention to the fact that he needed to be held straight up for a burp. He squealed again for my attention and I did what was needed to be done. Now, as I am typing again, he's squealing. I need to let go of this part of today, this writing part, in order to fully stay present with my little one. adieu writing.


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Day 7: {Writer Girl}:Own your greatness

"When we feel anger, we are often very angry that we feel anger.

Damn anger! It tells us we can't get away with our old life any longer.

It tells us that our old life is dying. It tells us we are being reborn, and

birthing hurts. The hurt makes us angry."

–Julia Cameron

This prompt had me laughing. I love how it helps break away from anger and think about doing something more constructive. As I thought about this piece of wisdom by Julia Cameron, I felt my resistance (that i wrote about yesterday) breaking away. My self talk about being "not good enough" and my resistance to pick up the paint brush thereafter. In order to break the resistance, in order to move through that negative self talk...i had to acknowledge the dying of this old belief. I had to face the voices and in spite of it just embrace the moment, embrace my light.

so here it is...the finished work...

Own your greatness

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 
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Day 6:{Writer Girl} Breaking Resistance

"The more resistance you experience, the more important your

unmanifested art/project/enterprise is to you - and the more

gratification you will feel when you finally do it."

-Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

How we choose our calling is still a mystery to me. Yes, yes, in the day and age of Myers-Brigg's, aptitude tests and everything else under the sun a clinical psychologists like me can give you a fair idea of what your calling may be. Yet, this personal journey we dive into, this journey of introspection, discovery, intention, creation and success, this journey is a mystery. Each of us will have our own story to tell. Each of them with depth and lessons learnt from failures and accomplishments. 

The journey though is adorned with a good splattering of resistance. Our journey to reach our goals is just not as gratifying if we haven't met and surpassed our internal resistances. Yes, I believe this. And I am experiencing it right now. Three weeks ago I bought myself a 30 X 40 canvass. My first. I felt courageous and brave. I wanted to take the risk and jump in and see where it leads, this play with the blank canvass. The first layer was glorious, I was having fun with it, I loved the colors that came together and I felt at one with the piece I was making. 

First Layer 

I kept going because I wanted to. Slowly the voices within began to say that I could come up with something cooler, and beautiful. That's when I got stuck. While painting out the second layer, I was aware of this voice and yet trotted on. I said to myself that I will go with the flow but slowing I began disliking the flow, it didn't look pretty, it was in no way cooler than what I began with. I marched on and said to myself that it was okay. Then, my canvass started to see some mud. I began to panic. Oh gosh! I don't know anything about painting, why am I making the effort to paint, that too on such a large canvass! said my voices. The voices began to grow louder. That's when I washed my brushes and put aside my paints. I had become disconnected with myself. I had begun to see myself as separate from my calling. From what I truly love.  

Meeting Resistance

This is just the journey of my resistance with my canvass. I know that if I can pick up my brushes and stay with what the moment asks of me I will flow into and out of this aversion-greed-delusion triad. But I am still feeling the resistance.I have been in this place with my painting, with my writing and with any goal I have sought to reach. 

This is our journey. Resistance knocks us in the head and demands that we stop talking to ourselves so harshly, it tells us to shed our notions of being a certain separate self and challenges us to look beyond our narrow definitions of ourselves. It helps us look at our need for more and makes us look directly into the now. The journey in and out of resistance is not an easy one of course. We can stay here, for as long as we choose (that's resistance for you!) or we can just do it. Just go for it and see where it leads. And most often than not, it gets to the goal you set up for yourself.  

What doubts, hatred, wants and delusions riddle you? What are you resisting? 

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 
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Day 5: {Writer Girl} The art of letting go.

In spiritual life there is no room for compromise. Awakening is not

negotiable; we cannot bargain to hold on to things that please us

while relinquishing things that do not matter to us. A lukewarm

yearning for awakening is not enough to sustain us through the

difficulties involved in letting go.

It is important to understand that anything that can be lost was never

truly ours; anything that we deeply cling to only imprisons us.

-

Jack Kornfield

My Everyday push and pull...
breastfeeding my newborn (note the white wrap on my lap)
 just as I decide to get some work done

The journey of letting go is one of push and pull. The life that I lead is immersed in lessons on letting go. How much I learn is based on the stance I choose to take. The mind finds comfort in creating boundaries, identifying things and labeling them. And so I make to-do lists and must have goals. With a life full of untimely segues into poop cleaning, feeding, middle of the night cajoling, late afternoon play I can tell that I am setting myself up for that push and pull; the desire to get done with my lists and the pressing need to stay in the now. If my stance is " I need to/I must/I absolutely should get my stuff done now" then I can see myself spiraling down the vortex of frustration, multitasking and  complete abandonment of pleasure in reaching my goals. However if can set an intention and trust that I will manifest it, then I can let go of my neurosis around it and stay present in the right now.

And thus lies the answer in learning to let go: If you are frustrated, angry or indignant can you ask yourself: What is my stance with this situation? Am I holding too hard to it or can I trust myself enough to let go of my own neurosis?

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 

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Day 4: {Writer Girl}: On changing perspectives

"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new

landscapes, but in having new eyes."-Marcel Proust

On August 1st 2013 my home was teeming with guests. My parents, my sister, two of my mum's sisters and three of their children all of them came visiting. I was at the end of my pregnancy and the idea was that my mom and her sister's would help me for a couple of weeks post-partum. At one point there were about 12 people at home. I am huge on space. I need my space, I need my calm or I get berserk. So you can tell what having so many people at home would have done to me. 

It took me a week of getting used to, to the noise, laughter and disorganization around my home. Then, my heart began to open. When I began to start adjusting to the fact that the laughter is so much fun, that my folks are really there for me and that mess is just what is, for now, I began to see the beauty and support of having these wonderful women around me to help me through those last days of pregnancy and the first few weeks post delivery. 

My sister, my mother and my aunt's- all of them saw me in my deepest most vulnerable place...the place where you find new mothers. That tender, soft and grieving-rejoicing part of you who is sleep deprived, love struck and not really thinking straight. 

These women, they gave me a chance to breathe, to sleep and to laugh and smile, they give me the precious few hours of play with my first born while taking care of my new born. They freed me from the need to think about what was healthy and nutritious to eat while they cooked and even fed me while I was breast feeding my newborn (isnt it uncanny how, right when you are hungry or about to eat your new born is hungry as well?!), they stayed up through nights of sleeplessness, tending to one of my children while I held the other one close, praying they would both sleep. Their knowing glances and complete understanding about the pain my body was undergoing post-partum helped me really sail through that time. 

Today, my aunt who was staying for longest left, all of them have gone back to their lives. I sit here typing these words, and I know they have opened my heart, opened my mind to the grace and beauty of a woman's being. They have shown me through their lives and their ways how I can be strong and open to my needs and the needs of my children. 

Here's what I've learned most of all: if you want to change someone's perspective create a space where they can be safe with their vulnerability. Where they can open their hearts out to you. Give. 

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 

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Day 3: {Writer Girl} I am light.

Oh gently lay your head, upon my chest,

And I will comfort you like a mother

while you rest.

The tide can change so fast but I will stay

The same through the past,

the same in the future,

the same today

chorus:

I am constant; I am near

I am the peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy; I am wise

I am the only one who knows your heart's desires

your heart's desires

Oh weary, tired and worn let out your sighs

and drop that heavy load you hold

for mine is light

I know you through and through no need to hide

I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

Jill Phillips- "I am"

I am my worst critic. I am come down on myself really hard when I feel like I am not living my life the way I think I should be. I act like the stakes are high when a certain project doesn't go my way, or sickness comes beckoning. But, I also know of this side of me that is gentle, forgiving, kind and peaceful. I know her through my practice of journaling.

Today when I sit back and look at my year long journaling in my art journal I realize that she is there, that gentle part of me, kindly nudging me to live fully, live imperfectly, live joyously through difficulties and ease, but especially through difficulties. She writes little prayers of peace and ease during times of difficulties. Even during my darkest hour she will write out something so immensely wise, she will write then but it will only reach my ears later, when I look back at my notes, when Iam actually ready to listen, and start moving towards light.

Sometimes I wish for this bright light within to stay, to stay for as long as she possibly can, but I push hard. I will for my light and joy, for my mindful ways to replicate every day. Can you see the fallacy in that? I want time to freeze in the zone of utter oneness, I want time to still in that place when life is in tandem with everything I do. The desire to want something a certain way and the fixation to have it manifest just like that, in that particular stubborn way itself is the indication that light, joy and presence have left the building. I've also had intellectual discussions in my head about how to manifest this glowing positive self of mine without pushing too hard. Its funny how I set myself up for frustration.

But here it is, the basic truth, I am light, I am joyous imperfection. I am ease and peace. And so are you.


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Day 2: {Writer Girl} Being Honest

"And when you can't write? When nothing comes? Those

unproductive seasons are times of storing. I replenish by reading,

reading, reading. You have to allow ideas to fill your reservoir before

they are ready to spill over. A writer has to reflect the totality of life,

not just the high points"

-Luci Shaw, Breath for the Bones

Yesterday I wrote about a really dark patch in my life, a time when I was feeling particularly negative about parenting, about life in general, but I was being cryptic about my experience. I wasn't sure I could write about it. The experience felt taboo to share, then I read this amazing article  that freed me from that censor I placed on myself.

Our society (and in turn we as individuals) places such high demands on a new mother-you are supposed to immediately fall in love with your baby, you are supposed to be utterly smitten by this little baby that is yours, you are supposed to love breastfeeding, you cannot love anything more than being there for your baby, not even work that you were passionate about before the little one was born. And with that setting of standards, so many of us fall. Yes, ideally I would love to be there for my baby, tend to her and love her in the best of ways I can imagine but life comes in the way you know.

Studies suggest that 30-75% of women experience baby blues on the third or fourth day after the birth of their baby. 10-15% of women hopelessly plunge into full blown post partum depression within 3 to 6 months after becoming a new mother. And yet we hide this painful sense of feeling separate, we let others tell us that it is abnormal to feel anything but love, connection and togetherness.

Anyway, for me, all was going well untill I got pregnant again, my breasts began to get sore and tender and it was anything but pleasurable to breastfeed my then one year old. We were in a place of transition in our lives then and she wanted to comfort feed more often. I was feeling intense hormonal upheaval (only after this month did i know why, that i was pregnant even). It was a teeth gritting experience. Every time she wanted to breastfeed, I cried. I knew in my heart that just my anger, frustration and pain was not enough to get her to stop. Why? because I was being adamant, angry and stubborn about the way I was trying to get her to stop. It wasn't working. What you resist persists. I would try and beg her to stop, I would tell her "No, Anika! Mamma is in pain and cant feed you" she was one year old, did i really expect her to understand and empathize?

I was breastfeeding her through this time, through tears, frustration and pain. I knew she needed it, for both comfort and nutrition. I continue breastfeeding her through it all despite what another part of me was saying. And no I was not being a martyr, it was just something I did for my daughter who I love immensely. And four months down the lane she stopped one night, just. like. that. While breastfeeding does not invoke that warm fuzzy feeling for me, I do it, it teaches me to look beyond what is comfortable for me, it teaches me to look at others and not just myself and my needs, it helps me lean in and embrace parenthood and all the joys and pain it comes with.It allows me most of all to be honest with myself, to live out my whole true self, the totality of me and not just the cuddly, cute, nice parts.

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 

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Day 1: {Writer Girl} The Readiness to Open Up

"While we might be more than willing to accept teaching on an

academic or professional level, when it comes to the way we are as

individuals, how we think and act, we don't like being told that there is

anything wrong with our mind set or behavior."

-The Monks of New Skete: In the Spirit of Happiness

I love to delve deeper into who I am, I love the journey of introspection. But on my own time. It takes a certain shift in perspective, a readiness and openness to receive life lessons and learn about our darkness and light. It also requires that we be gentle with ourselves, lighter and not so serious about who we are. If was are hard on ourselves and hard on the darkness that inhibits within, we cannot embrace it and live with ourselves.

Last January was a time in my life when the darkness within literally took over. I was feeling such a dip in my state of being, I wanted space, I couldn't connect with my little baby girl (who was then 1 and a half years), I was angry, aggressive with her needs, with my needs and I couldn't wake up with a smile. I was so angry at myself for being hard on my toddler, for being hard on people who were trying to help me. I just wanted to get away and sit in silence but the noise within just wouldn't allow any quiet. It was a hard time and a lot of things were going on in my life then that I just did not want to acknowledge. I was so hard on myself during this dark place in my life, that try what may, I couldn't get out of it.

Then something changed, I began to see that I didnt have to be so hard on myself, that I could just breathe and allow others to take care of me. That I could ease the noises in my head by giving myself a break. By giving myself the permission to feel the darkness, to let it be and change my circumstance, because the choice was mine. Slowly the notions of "should's" came away, I didn't need to be so serious about my walls, about who I am. I began to relax in the discomfort, I came undone and found myself.

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 

Day 1: 100 words or 15 minutes. I chose 15 minutes and wrote for 25.

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