Day 9: {Writer Girl} Writing about writing

"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that

you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and

your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom."

- Clarissa Pinkola Estés

This writing thing, I love it. But I have strange conceptions about it. I think that I can write only when I have something juicy going on, like a moment when I began to really see my child, or moments when I overcame a difficult phase in my life.

I absolutely shut down shop when I am wading through difficult waters...when it seems like the difficult phase I'm going through will take a long time to pass. I also can't write when I am feeling like I have nothing to offer to others who read or to myself. When I am mindlessly dragging myself through life.

  

I love conceiving an idea, letting it grow in my mind and heart, i love playing with words and i love how musical sentences can be when you weave them that way.I love how words transform and give meaning to my experience. I also love how they open my heart out and make me more grateful, kinder, calmer, and whole. But sometimes this very thing is such an effort.  

I love playing with notions of mindfulness, love, compassion, hate, jealousy, desire , anger, freedom, independence, interdependence and so forth and how they play out in my life and that of others . But I can play with these notions only when I am feeling somewhat accepting of myself and my present moment. 

When I am angry and overwhelmed, I am a mess and cannot stitch two words together. When I am sad or longing for someone I am poetic, deep even. When I am happy I am busy celebrating it, not writing.

Nevertheless, I don't think I have ever written like this though, every single day for the last 8 days (not on my blog at least). And I am realizing writing like everything else is practice. A daily practice of just returning to the now, of returning to myself, of bearing witness to my life and experiences, again and again. 

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days.

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Day 7: {Writer Girl}:Own your greatness

"When we feel anger, we are often very angry that we feel anger.

Damn anger! It tells us we can't get away with our old life any longer.

It tells us that our old life is dying. It tells us we are being reborn, and

birthing hurts. The hurt makes us angry."

–Julia Cameron

This prompt had me laughing. I love how it helps break away from anger and think about doing something more constructive. As I thought about this piece of wisdom by Julia Cameron, I felt my resistance (that i wrote about yesterday) breaking away. My self talk about being "not good enough" and my resistance to pick up the paint brush thereafter. In order to break the resistance, in order to move through that negative self talk...i had to acknowledge the dying of this old belief. I had to face the voices and in spite of it just embrace the moment, embrace my light.

so here it is...the finished work...

Own your greatness

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 
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Day 3: {Writer Girl} I am light.

Oh gently lay your head, upon my chest,

And I will comfort you like a mother

while you rest.

The tide can change so fast but I will stay

The same through the past,

the same in the future,

the same today

chorus:

I am constant; I am near

I am the peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy; I am wise

I am the only one who knows your heart's desires

your heart's desires

Oh weary, tired and worn let out your sighs

and drop that heavy load you hold

for mine is light

I know you through and through no need to hide

I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

Jill Phillips- "I am"

I am my worst critic. I am come down on myself really hard when I feel like I am not living my life the way I think I should be. I act like the stakes are high when a certain project doesn't go my way, or sickness comes beckoning. But, I also know of this side of me that is gentle, forgiving, kind and peaceful. I know her through my practice of journaling.

Today when I sit back and look at my year long journaling in my art journal I realize that she is there, that gentle part of me, kindly nudging me to live fully, live imperfectly, live joyously through difficulties and ease, but especially through difficulties. She writes little prayers of peace and ease during times of difficulties. Even during my darkest hour she will write out something so immensely wise, she will write then but it will only reach my ears later, when I look back at my notes, when Iam actually ready to listen, and start moving towards light.

Sometimes I wish for this bright light within to stay, to stay for as long as she possibly can, but I push hard. I will for my light and joy, for my mindful ways to replicate every day. Can you see the fallacy in that? I want time to freeze in the zone of utter oneness, I want time to still in that place when life is in tandem with everything I do. The desire to want something a certain way and the fixation to have it manifest just like that, in that particular stubborn way itself is the indication that light, joy and presence have left the building. I've also had intellectual discussions in my head about how to manifest this glowing positive self of mine without pushing too hard. Its funny how I set myself up for frustration.

But here it is, the basic truth, I am light, I am joyous imperfection. I am ease and peace. And so are you.


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Day 2: {Writer Girl} Being Honest

"And when you can't write? When nothing comes? Those

unproductive seasons are times of storing. I replenish by reading,

reading, reading. You have to allow ideas to fill your reservoir before

they are ready to spill over. A writer has to reflect the totality of life,

not just the high points"

-Luci Shaw, Breath for the Bones

Yesterday I wrote about a really dark patch in my life, a time when I was feeling particularly negative about parenting, about life in general, but I was being cryptic about my experience. I wasn't sure I could write about it. The experience felt taboo to share, then I read this amazing article  that freed me from that censor I placed on myself.

Our society (and in turn we as individuals) places such high demands on a new mother-you are supposed to immediately fall in love with your baby, you are supposed to be utterly smitten by this little baby that is yours, you are supposed to love breastfeeding, you cannot love anything more than being there for your baby, not even work that you were passionate about before the little one was born. And with that setting of standards, so many of us fall. Yes, ideally I would love to be there for my baby, tend to her and love her in the best of ways I can imagine but life comes in the way you know.

Studies suggest that 30-75% of women experience baby blues on the third or fourth day after the birth of their baby. 10-15% of women hopelessly plunge into full blown post partum depression within 3 to 6 months after becoming a new mother. And yet we hide this painful sense of feeling separate, we let others tell us that it is abnormal to feel anything but love, connection and togetherness.

Anyway, for me, all was going well untill I got pregnant again, my breasts began to get sore and tender and it was anything but pleasurable to breastfeed my then one year old. We were in a place of transition in our lives then and she wanted to comfort feed more often. I was feeling intense hormonal upheaval (only after this month did i know why, that i was pregnant even). It was a teeth gritting experience. Every time she wanted to breastfeed, I cried. I knew in my heart that just my anger, frustration and pain was not enough to get her to stop. Why? because I was being adamant, angry and stubborn about the way I was trying to get her to stop. It wasn't working. What you resist persists. I would try and beg her to stop, I would tell her "No, Anika! Mamma is in pain and cant feed you" she was one year old, did i really expect her to understand and empathize?

I was breastfeeding her through this time, through tears, frustration and pain. I knew she needed it, for both comfort and nutrition. I continue breastfeeding her through it all despite what another part of me was saying. And no I was not being a martyr, it was just something I did for my daughter who I love immensely. And four months down the lane she stopped one night, just. like. that. While breastfeeding does not invoke that warm fuzzy feeling for me, I do it, it teaches me to look beyond what is comfortable for me, it teaches me to look at others and not just myself and my needs, it helps me lean in and embrace parenthood and all the joys and pain it comes with.It allows me most of all to be honest with myself, to live out my whole true self, the totality of me and not just the cuddly, cute, nice parts.

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 

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Day 1: {Writer Girl} The Readiness to Open Up

"While we might be more than willing to accept teaching on an

academic or professional level, when it comes to the way we are as

individuals, how we think and act, we don't like being told that there is

anything wrong with our mind set or behavior."

-The Monks of New Skete: In the Spirit of Happiness

I love to delve deeper into who I am, I love the journey of introspection. But on my own time. It takes a certain shift in perspective, a readiness and openness to receive life lessons and learn about our darkness and light. It also requires that we be gentle with ourselves, lighter and not so serious about who we are. If was are hard on ourselves and hard on the darkness that inhibits within, we cannot embrace it and live with ourselves.

Last January was a time in my life when the darkness within literally took over. I was feeling such a dip in my state of being, I wanted space, I couldn't connect with my little baby girl (who was then 1 and a half years), I was angry, aggressive with her needs, with my needs and I couldn't wake up with a smile. I was so angry at myself for being hard on my toddler, for being hard on people who were trying to help me. I just wanted to get away and sit in silence but the noise within just wouldn't allow any quiet. It was a hard time and a lot of things were going on in my life then that I just did not want to acknowledge. I was so hard on myself during this dark place in my life, that try what may, I couldn't get out of it.

Then something changed, I began to see that I didnt have to be so hard on myself, that I could just breathe and allow others to take care of me. That I could ease the noises in my head by giving myself a break. By giving myself the permission to feel the darkness, to let it be and change my circumstance, because the choice was mine. Slowly the notions of "should's" came away, I didn't need to be so serious about my walls, about who I am. I began to relax in the discomfort, I came undone and found myself.

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 

Day 1: 100 words or 15 minutes. I chose 15 minutes and wrote for 25.

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