Day 5: {Writer Girl} The art of letting go.

In spiritual life there is no room for compromise. Awakening is not

negotiable; we cannot bargain to hold on to things that please us

while relinquishing things that do not matter to us. A lukewarm

yearning for awakening is not enough to sustain us through the

difficulties involved in letting go.

It is important to understand that anything that can be lost was never

truly ours; anything that we deeply cling to only imprisons us.

-

Jack Kornfield

My Everyday push and pull...
breastfeeding my newborn (note the white wrap on my lap)
 just as I decide to get some work done

The journey of letting go is one of push and pull. The life that I lead is immersed in lessons on letting go. How much I learn is based on the stance I choose to take. The mind finds comfort in creating boundaries, identifying things and labeling them. And so I make to-do lists and must have goals. With a life full of untimely segues into poop cleaning, feeding, middle of the night cajoling, late afternoon play I can tell that I am setting myself up for that push and pull; the desire to get done with my lists and the pressing need to stay in the now. If my stance is " I need to/I must/I absolutely should get my stuff done now" then I can see myself spiraling down the vortex of frustration, multitasking and  complete abandonment of pleasure in reaching my goals. However if can set an intention and trust that I will manifest it, then I can let go of my neurosis around it and stay present in the right now.

And thus lies the answer in learning to let go: If you are frustrated, angry or indignant can you ask yourself: What is my stance with this situation? Am I holding too hard to it or can I trust myself enough to let go of my own neurosis?

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 

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Making Space for Pain

I know this boulder sitting on my chest only too well. And why not? I see it once a fortnight, give or take. Its like meeting an estranged someone from the past. Never comfortable ever queasy, you want to bolt but here you are sitting in the same theater watching the same movie you bought tickets for.

The feeling of complete desolation washes over me. In an effort to switch mind states I put on my running shoes and hit the asphalt. Can I pulverize this boulder just by running? I don't know but I want to give it a try. The background is a blur, its just me and the road and that stray mongrel and a pile of garbage a mile away. I try not to check-in to see if I feel like shit anymore but my mind retracts and comes back to tell me that I probably need to run harder. I could never run hard on the road, without a number indicating how fast I am going and how long I will be on it. So I run towards the gym and get on the treadmill to run till my focus moves into my body.

There is that huge rock still sitting on my chest, wait, is it smaller by any chance? My chest heaves hard and I try to suck in more air from my mouth. I hold on to the railing of the machine and let my legs do the running. I can feel my calf muscles hurt, my abdomen squeeze in pain and my palms sweat. Can I run harder?   I try. Two minutes later I come back to a sprint. There you are boulder. So, ok, you can stay. I am going to let you sit on me for as long as you please. With that, I hit the "up" button and begin to run again. This time I run without a thought, a care and  a cause.

I take that sense of desolation along and get home finally. Only now, it feels like I've made space for its presence, guess that's why I needed to run, not to hurl it out of my system but to make place for it. Packed neatly in a corner now, it sits and watches for moments and events where it can hulk up and ache. For now though it leaves me be, so I can focus on the right now that is calming in its own way.

Starting Solids

My munchkin loves her first food! 

I had knots in my stomach. Should we really start solids today? I wondered. There was some sort of fear creeping up within me and I wasn't sure why. My dad said I should be happy we were starting solids for Anika as she grows now and my mum wondered why I was so frightened.  I am not sure why either. After all she was ready, she was six months, she was rearing to eat, she watched us eat all the time and tried to grab food any chance she got, she was sitting up and everything!

And yet, I felt a little "somewhat" at the thought of my little one starting solids today. Its funny, but really I think its the feeling of realizing this is more real than ever. My litttle one is growing, life keeps moving on and the next thing you know she will be crawling around the house, then running and more!

As we fed pureed apples today she wanted more! She loved it even before we started. She grabbed her tiny little applesauce bowl and wanted to eat it all by herself. My fear transformed into such pleasure. I was so pleased and surprised at how amazingly well she ate her first solid food, and she knew when to stop, oh my baby! Why was I even worried, I wondered.

It takes me back to how my parents were with me. I would always see a little bit of hesitation, a bit of eagerness and a tad bit of nervousness in their eyes as I started something new, and then they would completely embrace the new as a part of who I am . There is always a slight tug in that heart of yours before you let go, isn't there? Ah! the joys of motherhood, you learn to embrace and let go at the same time. 

Spiritual Diary # 6: Quietening the mind

If you have a minute to spare, just close your eyes and observe what happens in that head of yours. We are plagued by our thoughts. Thoughts about what, when, how and why of any and every thing. It is these thoughts that make us. Indeed, my thoughts create opinions about things and people, they help me understand the world, albeit through a narrow lens, they help me decide on my life's goals and they help me critically analyze what is good for me and the world at large. They prepare me for success and failure. They make us, really. I think, therefore I am.

If you give yourself a few minutes everyday to just watch your thoughts, you will be astound by how repetitive, mundane and tangential they can get. Of course, there are moments of creative thinking, sparks that define us too, but they are thoughts all the same. I think, therefore I am.

But isn't that limiting? 'I', my ego, keeps things in control by thinking-logically, practically, emotionally, but what about the moments when we let go, loose control, surrender and become one, moments when thoughts cease to exist, albeit momentarily?

Are you listening?

Quietening the mind is a process that entails making the ego permeable. Making the 'I' permeable. It entails letting others in, being vulnerable and dropping the controlling aspects of our selves. This, I am learning, happens when you balance the 'being' and 'doing' aspects of yourself.


For me, putting my little baby girl to sleep is one of those moments of letting go and making my ego permeable. If my mind is racing, and is full of thoughts about things to do, I fail to notice what Anika wants. She cries and screams, almost like telling me to focus on something besides myself. Only when I switch from the 'I' state can I really listen to her needs. Only when I cease to think and just be, can I deeply feel connected to my daughter.

I'll bet that most of us have experienced, in one way or another, this connection. When you find a deeper connection with yourself or someone else there is a sense of falling away of the ego. Words have a way of coming in between this understanding. Think about times when just looking at someone arose compassion, love and calmness.

Thoughts separate us from what is.They take us away from connections we can possibly make with others in the present moment. They separate us from deeper connections we can make with ourselves and the world. But how does one not think? In our day-to-day lives there are many moments when we let go and just be. Like when I put my baby to sleep, when I relinquish my stubborn "must have's" to some one else's requests or when I meditate.

Here is a wonderful quote from Mark Epstein's book that is apt in the context of quieting the mind:

"Be Patient, do nothing, cease striving. We find this advice disheartening and therefore unfeasible because we forget it is our own inflexible activity that is structuring the reality. We think that if we do not hustle, nothing will happen and we will pine away. But the reality is probably in motion and after a while we might take part in that motion. But one can't know" -Paul Goodman.