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Play!

Yes, I implore you to play. There is so much fun in that. Create mess, live random, and de-stress. Play,because you absolutely NEED to. Anyone reading this needs to play, and if you already do then reinvent play, throw out your old way of playing and just play.

Okay, so you are a serious business person or a professional working a 9 to 5, you don't have the time and you have kids to take care of and a home to straighten when you leave work that is why you need to play. 

If you need the experts to tell you that you need to play then let me dawn my counselor hat and site more reasons on why YOU should choose to play:

Play is voluntary by nature, and in a world full of rules and requirements, play is refreshing and full of respite;
 Play is free from evaluation and judgement, thus it is safe to make mistakes without failure;

Play encourages fantasy and the use of the imagination, enabling control without competition;

 Play increases involvement and interest; and

 Play encourages the development of self. 

-Caplan and Caplan (1974) as mentioned in 'Sandtray Therapy: A practical Manual' by Linda E. Homeyer and Danel S. Sweeney. 

More reasons? Okay,

Play is done for its own sake-it may even seem purposeless
Play has qualities that promote freedom and growth

Play involves a freedom from time

Play helps diminish the consciousness of self

Play has an improvisational potential

Play develops a continuation desire-you want to come back to it once you start

-Brown and Vaughn (2009)as mentioned in 'Sandtray Therapy: A practical Manual' by Linda E. Homeyer and Danel S. Sweeney. 

In a world where working in groups, living with rommies and family and being with people all the time and staying connected to them via a variety of media is the norm,  I encourage play that is done for yourself and by yourself. I encourage this, especially if you are feeling lost, overwhelmed, confused, stuck, listless or just stressed and find that you have more to-do things on your list than time to actually do them. 

Yes, its ironic, that you don't have time to actually do the stuff on your to-do list, that you don't have time to actually do the serious stuff in life and here I am encouraging you to play. Oxymoronic, but let go and just dive and you'll find that like meditation here too you feel an opening up of space, creativity and MORE time!

I for one have rediscovered play in my life through art. I began to draw and color with oil pastels. With a little encouragement from Lisa Wilson, Awareness Artist at LifeUnity and after some inspiration from a few online classes from artists like Tam and Jane Davenport and youtube videos on how to draw this and that I began to unravel the creativity and "flow" from within.

For me, play is about:

Freedom: It frees me and eases my tensions, it loosens me up and fills me with love for all the other areas of life.

Stillness:It stills me and quietens me.


Insight: The beauty in scribbling like I do is in finding and discovering what I am truly feeling and thinking.

Titled: A holding space for my emotions.
My dad thinks I might be going crazy, when I showed him this one!  But that's play for me. Sometimes random and sometimes an expression of what I am feeling. This is a scribble I did when I was feeling stuck and wanted some release. The back and orange box like things represent the feeling and the cross strokes represent the sinking feeling I was experiencing then. The blue background is a  representation of a peaceful holding space. After I did it, I had a good laugh and the "stuck" feeling disappeared!
So go ahead and go crazy! It might help.

Creativity: Sometimes I know what I want to draw and other times I ask a greater energy to guide me and present me with something to draw, and other times I just draw an inner state of being.
Sometimes (most times actually)It might make no sense to anyone around me but it clarifies me and shakes away any mood cloud I might be experiencing.

Untitled.

Judgement Free: I dont draw beautifully, nor is my goal to be a professional artist of any kind. My goal is to just Play. If its beautiful sometimes so be it.

No rules: There are no rules in my play. Ofcourse, you cant use a pen after you paint with oil pastels, of course, oil pastels can smudge and mix in strange ways but those are just some "rules" some ways in which this game can be played/not played but for the most part I feel a huge space where I can explore and play the way I want.

I began to maintain an art journal too. It looks like a child's play and my mom says that maybe because I didn't get to do enough of it as a child I am doing it now. Maybe its true, maybe there is a child in me that wants to play, that wants this release. And why not? Internal Family Systems Therapy suggests that there are many parts within us, a child part, an adult part, a rational part, a creative part, etc and my child part is really helping my adult part relax, loosen up and create joy in my life. Don't you want that for yourself too? Research like the ones I indicated above suggests that it helps when adults play. It helps when couples play, it helps express aspects of your life that you cant find words for. So play!

There are SO many ways to play, for the most part you will just have to check-in with yourself and realize there is a certain part of you that wanted to play a certain game/instrument/whatever forever but never found the time to do it or thought it was too childish. Set aside that adult self that is so judgmental and play because   you will love it when you do it a few times and will want to keep coming back!

So why wait, stop all your work, especially if you are feeling all anxious and NEED to finish work and just take a break and play! Even if it is for a few minutes only. And don't forget to ENJOY!

Emotional Eating-To indulge or not to indulge?

While writing this article, I just went through the last piece of Haldiram’s Soan Papdi at 2:00pm this afternoon, delaying my physical hunger and deeply satisfying my emotional hunger, the childhood memory of watching the Soan Papdi cart passing by on lazy Sunday mornings. Back then, Soan Papdi’s used to be sold on carts lugged by vendors. The sweet used to be housed in this huge transparent glass globe. And the sweet itself was different looking than today’s Haldiram Soan Papdi, but what can one do, we just have to make do with satisfying a childhood memory in today’s modern day packaging.

Food serves many purposes. A bag of potato chips is an ideal partner while you watch re-runs of CSI.  Chocolate chips cookies and milk are a great combination while you sit cramming for exams. Nothing€ can separate you from Ben & Jerry’s while you sit, mending a broken heart.  Toffees for good behavior, and chocolates bars for better behavior. We live in a society that rewards us with food for a job well done, or to lift our wallowing spirits. So here we are, feeding two kinds of hunger-physical and emotional. 

When do you choose ice-cream?

Even the fittest of fitness freaks and the healthiest of healthy cannot get away from satisfying a craving once in a while. And why not?  Our society sanctions it and research clarifies it (when our body needs certain chemicals we will be drawn to that kind of food). Also, the wrath of a pregnant woman is not pretty, if you don’t let her indulge in some comfort food every now and then.

So are all kinds of emotional eating ok? Of course not!  Here are some things to consider before you & I take on the next Soan Papdi, or that bag of potato chips.

A lot of studies and a lot of psychological articles online and off encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

• ·         Are you hungry for a particular food?
• ·         Did your hunger come on suddenly?
• ·         Have you been eating larger portions than usual?
• ·         Do you eat at unusual times?
• ·         Are you stressed at work, with a relationship or in any other part of your life?
• ·         Have you had to deal with a life changing event lately?
• ·         Have you gained a lot of weight in a little time (or gained too much weight that is unusual to you) because of eating?

If you answered ‘yes’ to these questions then you are emotionally eating. If you are physically hungry you don’t particularly crave for a certain kind of food, if it is physical hunger it comes on slowly so that when you are just lightly hungry you can sense it, if you are eating to satiate physical hunger then you will know when to stop and physical hunger has a cycle to it. Most studies suggest that if you ate around 200-500 calories you shouldn’t be hungry in the next two or three hours.

Comfort food is called precisely that because it brings comfort. Comfort from some pain, stress, sadness, boredom, and worse still from depression, poor self-esteem, loneliness, etc. It is also comfort/ reward for a job well done, for satisfying unmet needs and more.

If you find yourself answering ‘yes’ to the above questions, more often than not, and if you are also stressed about how much you eat and how difficult it is to control it then something is up and you need to take action before it becomes a binge eating disorder or other eating problems. Here are something’s you can do to stay healthy while eating.

Go on, Eat: If you are indulging in food one too many times for reasons beyond physical hunger then take a few moments and consider why that is so. Are you choosing food to substitute for an emotion that is unbearable? Is it a boss, a parent, your husband or a whole lot of events that have come together to overwhelm you?  If that is so, just make a note of it. Sometimes, nothing can be done about our stressful events, at least that’s how it feels, so when you do feel that way, just note your stress, and if you are eating, continue eating, but mindfully. Savor every piece and morsel of what you are eating; enjoy the sight, smell and flavor of your food. Enjoy how your body responds to your food. And once you are done, move along. Try and enjoy some healthy comfort food do. I often substitute oranges (one of my favorite fruits) with a savory snack. While binging on anything is not the greatest, at least binging on something healthy helps a little.

Indulge in healthy self-care:  a variety of aspects in our lives can trigger emotional eating. While recognizing your trigger is the first step, you will also need to establish self-care routines that become a part of your everyday life. It could be running on the treadmill or a walk in the park for 30minutes every day. Investing in 20 minutes every day to eat without any distractions can go a long way in appreciating food, your body and your life in general. Think about a healthy/ positive option that can help you relax every day and make it a part of your life. Studies state that eating relaxes your system by activating the parasympathetic nervous system that is why we indulge in emotional eating, however unhealthy in the long run.  Break this cycle by partaking in healthy self care that will in itself activate the parasympathetic nervous system.

Emotions are okay: Emotions can be overwhelming, especially when we have learnt that emotions are not okay to express. Checking in with yourself is a great start to acknowledging that you do feel something regardless of what emotion it is. Emotions are a natural part of our lives, like breathing or thinking. Take a few minutes to just invite your overwhelming emotions to sit with you. If emotional eating has already lead to increasing ill health, poor stamina,  poor self-esteem and worse still a binge eating condition, you will need to get in touch with a counselor and a nutritionist to help you work on your emotions and food.

So go on and indulge, but be mindful about what you are eating, enjoy it while staying aware of your emotions as you eat. 

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PS: Nithya thanks for the topic! I love to write about mental health and wellbeing, if there is something you want me to write about, ask away! 

Long Distance Relationships Work!

A friend of mine who moved to an adjacent town to be with his  lady love endearingly called his relationship a short distance relationship. Long or short, a relationship that endures time and space can be good and bad depending on the way you treat it.

I've known so many couples that put themselves through a long distance relationship, I've been one of them too. My husband and I endured a three year long long-distance so that I can go finish graduate school. Before that, while we were still dating we were on a year long  long-distance so he could go finish school.

Many people will have you believe that long distance relationships don't work. Well, if you go with that attitude it definitely wont. Agreed it's hard. There used to be times when, my gloom about being away from my husband would entirely engulf me for days. We've fought tooth and nail, we've not spoken for days, there was anything but love on some days, and we've hung up the phone over and over again (me, more than him) but we have come back together at the end of it all. So what makes a long distance relationship tick? 

Here's what I've known from seeing others do it and from living it:

Stay Commited

1.Being a 100% committed to the relationship:  if you are starting a long distance relationship with a "lets see how it goes" attitude you are not really invested in making it work. You will need to agree on what will work for the both of you. While my husband was on a year long long-distance to go study, it was way back when I was broke, didn't have enough money to make phone calls, and he was just a student scraping by as well. So we stuck to emails and chat. We would email each other every day! Well, it was early in my relationship and I was smitten, what do you expect? You don't have to write emails everyday or even chat. I know of a friend who speaks to her long distance fiance only on weekends, that works brilliantly for them. So make a commitment about how you stay committed to making your long distance work.  What works for the both of you is what counts. 

2. Introduce your partner to people around you: For weeks no one at my work place knew that I was married, this was when I was away. It didnt strike me that I should tell. What would I say " I just finished the project you asked me to do, and by the way I am married"? In a conversation with my boss about husbands I mentioned to her that "my husband does that too!" and oh what a surprise! We sat around talking about how she had no clue that I was married. Well, yes I didn't wear a ring (that was not part of my tradition) but I didn't wear my tamilian "Taali" either so how was she supposed to know. When you think it appropriate go ahead and let everyone know that you have a partner, albeit ocean's apart. It helps when people see you as engaged/in a relationship. For one, you will know how to keep off possible attractions and another important thing, you get to talk about it, how difficult it is, how wonderful it is and how happy your partner makes you! I eventually got a ring that lasted for my stay in the States. Now I am ring-less and chain-less but I bet you know I am married.

3. Fights are not final words on ANY thing:There were several fights in our relationship in the three years that we were apart. But there are several fights even now. Fights only mean that you are trying to make your ego more permeable, that is you are letting your partner in, even though its difficult. If both of you know that fights are only temporary and any problem can be solvable you are good to go!

That right! Go on a vacation with your partner

4. Take breaks together: If you can take breaks from work and go meet your beau for a while and if your partner can do the same, great! Its a great way to figure out who does the laundry and who does the cooking. If you both can take breaks and go on a trip together, even better! My husband and I used to see each other every once in three months. Was great for us. You will need to find what works for you.





5. To befriend or not to befriend the opposite  or same sex (depending on your orientation): For some reason, it gave me great comfort that my husband hated other women. Well, I don't think he hated other women, he would just tell me anecdotes of how a "stupid lady at the gym..." did a certain thing or a "silly woman on the road" frustrated him.  Maybe it was his way of reassuring me that we were in a committed relationship, it worked for me. Both of us just kept off opposite sex friends, (I've had the ability to make great girl friends and stick with them so that helps). It happened naturally for us. You will need to find your midpoint. Eye candies are everywhere, there is no denying it, you will just need to be aware of it and know how truly blessed you are about being in a relationship with your partner. If it helps, like my husband, you can tell anecdotes of what pisses you off about the opposite sex, don't go overboard though, then its obvious that something is up!

6. Don't be a martyr: The martyr act pisses everyone. You need to realize that if you are going long-distance on a relationship then it is YOUR choice. Your partner cannot force you in on this one. So don't become a nag and tell your partner that it has to stop before the stipulated time. Long distance is already difficult, you don't want to cause terrible heartaches by being a martyr too.

7. Know when it ends: There has to be a "happily ever after" (until you actually start living it, that is) but jokes apart. It helps when both of you know when the long distance will cease and when you can move in, and "start" a life together.

8. No children commitment: See, I just think it is the hardest thing to do EVER, to have a baby and be on long distance. You need to know that as adults you have chosen to be apart, but your baby did not choose this. So while you are apart, stay committed to sustaining and enjoying your work and each other.

Ok, I'll stop at this nice even number and let you munch over the information. If you have been in a relationship that was long distance come talk about it! Did it work? What helped? A great many people wonder about the stability of long term relationships. I did too. Its a scary proposition and it can be heart wrenching but you've got to do what you got (read want)to do, so embrace it proactively  and continue to be in love!

Spiritual Diary # 6: Quietening the mind

If you have a minute to spare, just close your eyes and observe what happens in that head of yours. We are plagued by our thoughts. Thoughts about what, when, how and why of any and every thing. It is these thoughts that make us. Indeed, my thoughts create opinions about things and people, they help me understand the world, albeit through a narrow lens, they help me decide on my life's goals and they help me critically analyze what is good for me and the world at large. They prepare me for success and failure. They make us, really. I think, therefore I am.

If you give yourself a few minutes everyday to just watch your thoughts, you will be astound by how repetitive, mundane and tangential they can get. Of course, there are moments of creative thinking, sparks that define us too, but they are thoughts all the same. I think, therefore I am.

But isn't that limiting? 'I', my ego, keeps things in control by thinking-logically, practically, emotionally, but what about the moments when we let go, loose control, surrender and become one, moments when thoughts cease to exist, albeit momentarily?

Are you listening?

Quietening the mind is a process that entails making the ego permeable. Making the 'I' permeable. It entails letting others in, being vulnerable and dropping the controlling aspects of our selves. This, I am learning, happens when you balance the 'being' and 'doing' aspects of yourself.


For me, putting my little baby girl to sleep is one of those moments of letting go and making my ego permeable. If my mind is racing, and is full of thoughts about things to do, I fail to notice what Anika wants. She cries and screams, almost like telling me to focus on something besides myself. Only when I switch from the 'I' state can I really listen to her needs. Only when I cease to think and just be, can I deeply feel connected to my daughter.

I'll bet that most of us have experienced, in one way or another, this connection. When you find a deeper connection with yourself or someone else there is a sense of falling away of the ego. Words have a way of coming in between this understanding. Think about times when just looking at someone arose compassion, love and calmness.

Thoughts separate us from what is.They take us away from connections we can possibly make with others in the present moment. They separate us from deeper connections we can make with ourselves and the world. But how does one not think? In our day-to-day lives there are many moments when we let go and just be. Like when I put my baby to sleep, when I relinquish my stubborn "must have's" to some one else's requests or when I meditate.

Here is a wonderful quote from Mark Epstein's book that is apt in the context of quieting the mind:

"Be Patient, do nothing, cease striving. We find this advice disheartening and therefore unfeasible because we forget it is our own inflexible activity that is structuring the reality. We think that if we do not hustle, nothing will happen and we will pine away. But the reality is probably in motion and after a while we might take part in that motion. But one can't know" -Paul Goodman.

Money, money, honey: Money Matters in Marriage

Scenario 1: Shilpa,  a 28year old fiercely independent woman works as a Chartered Accountant in a reputed MNC. Married last year she and her husband earn equally and adequately. They have separate bank accounts, savings and expenditure lists. She does not question her husband on how he spends/saves his money, nor does he question her. While this was an excellent, albeit unspoken financial agreement,the couple now plan to start a family.This is one of Shilpa dream come true, having a baby, she wants to take a two year break once she conceives to make the best of motherhood and family life. She wonders how to begin a conversation on money matters considering she would not be a full time worker any more. She wonders about joint savings for their children and about meeting day to day expenses. Conversations about money have always been uncomfortable in her family and often caused fights. She wonders what to do and how to talk about money with her husband.

Scenario 2: Ananta, a 35year old housewife has been married for the last 15 years. She married into a joint family and had to ask for money for her every day needs. She was not given an allowance and it never occurred to her husband to speak about finances with her. She was often frustrated and furious with everyone at home for the way they treated her when it came to money. How did she figure out money matters and continue to live happily married for the last 15 years?

Scenario 3: Ruksana 30 year of part-time worker is married to Aamir who has a high profile job. Aamir provides for the household expenses and the couple has a joint account for household and family expenses, since Aamir earns four times more than Ruksana he chooses to be the only one contributing to the joint account. Ruksana often runs by everything with her husband before making any kind of purchase, even if she is spending from her own pocket. Aamir on the other hand makes an extravagant purchase without running it by his wife, what is wrong with this picture?

Scenario 4: Smriti is the sole income earner while Shiva has taken a break from work to go back to business school this year. How do they figure out finances?

The scenarios are endless and so are the possible fights brewing out of these scenarios. What is the glaring issue we are talking about? Its money honey! Who gets what, how to spend and how to live peacefully with it in a relationship. A lot can depend on how you deal with money issues in your relationships/marriage. Here are some tips on figuring out how to make sense of money in your relationship.

1. Know this: Money has no power of its own. It’s what we make of it that matters (and often troubles our relationship). 

2. Stay calm: When talking about money with your spouse, stay calm. Don't push this discussion to a time when you absolutely HAVE to talk about money, instead, take time when everything is well in your financial life to sit together and make sense of how you might want to deal with finances as a team. 

3.  Have an honest talk: Like I said before money has no power of its own. Its what we make of it that matters. So think back on what money means to you? How did your family deal with money issues? For some of us money means love, for others it is power, control or independence. What does money mean to you? Discuss this with your partner. She/he needs to know (as much as you do)where you are coming from when you start to worry, get paranoid, or go on a spending spree. 

4. Step out of the box: A ton of sites online and a ton of books offline will give you "how-tos" on the best ways to work money into your relationship peacefully. Read them. But know that you and your partner need to come up with a strategy best suited for your needs and situation. So, yes, you can have a joint account for household, vacation and other common expenses while having separate accounts for personal expenses. You can havea joint account for everything with budget restrictions on personal expenditure, you can even let one of you take care of all financial responsibilities. The goal is to work it out the best way possible. Transparency and honesty is the key of course. If you feel uncomfortable with something ’fess up and negotiate.

5. Get help: Talking to a third person (such as me, a Counselor) about your particular issue can often be helpful in figuring out how to stay calm, be honest about money and make amends that help in building a successful marriage.

6. Take a breather: You don't have to figure it all out in one conversation of course. If discussions become heated, take a breather and go back to it later on. And really, money is often a hot issue in all our lives, so its okay to keep going back to talking about it till you figure it out. 

How do you deal with money/finances in your relationship? How do people you know deal with it? Share your ideas and also tell us what works in your relationship. You never know, your idea might just help someone! 

Simply complicated.

Is simplicity overrated? If it is not, can I just trade simplicity for how complicated I make my life out to be? As a psychologist, I am trained to look at thoughts, feelings and impressions that lead to the behavior that can be seen outwardly. But its not easy this task because there is so much we don’t want to know about ourselves, despite the fact that we confess to the contrary.

Take for instance this aspect of wanting to be in control and ‘on top of it all’. Studies in psychology suggest that if you suffer from mental illness, like say depression, but are able to take control of your life, you are well on your way to recovery. This applies to individuals without mental illness as well, of course. I thrive when I am in control of the direction I take in my life. I would imagine that a lot of us are. If we chart out a path and we are sailing nice and fine then where is the question of stress, anxiety and every other unpleasant feeling? And even if the path is filled with obstacles, that is the chosen path and hence we are open to what is to come, most often at least. But when is life this clear cut?

Many times our stress/ unpleasant feelings start when we have to decide what we have to choose to do. Say for instance a toddler's conflict of stealing cookies from the cookie jar only to endure serious time -out, an adolescents conflict of enduring embarrassment at the cost of professing love, a couples conflict of pursuing a career while continuing a long distance relationship, a mother's conflict of going back to work after a new born, the list is endless, and you get the point. These conflicts are called approach-avoidance conflicts. This theory states that, in life, you will sometimes have two or more conflicting choices and, a decision to make; there will be several alternatives that you can take which will have several positive and negative aspects to it which make it at once attractive and undesirable. The theory states that when you have choices like this, and you have to make a decision on what to do, you are as you can already tell, stressed out.

So, coming back to this aspect of wanting to be in control of all that you can manage; If taking control of your life and your decisions is a proven way to live a stress free life then why is choosing how to take control of this life such a difficult task?

Supportive Psychotherapy is the cat out of the bag. It is a simple yet extremely potent modality of therapy that helps us through the quagmire we sometimes find ourselves in.
Borrowed from this modality of psychotherapy are some pointers on what you can do when you find yourself stuck in a place with no return:

1. Acceptance: The first step in doing something about where you are is plainly, to accept where you are. It does not mean knowing you are anxiety wound and yet being wound to knots wondering what to do. It does not mean being irritated and on the edge about everyday things because you are so preoccupied with what’s bothering you. It also does not mean feeling dejected and hopeless about what is to come. These however may be things one experiences before acceptance. Acceptance is the next level of knowing. It is a calm understanding of where you are, a surrendering to the right now. It is acknowledging that you have a problem that you just cannot solve at this moment. You let things be. It is not a passive state of giving up but an active one of embracing the situation and being completely conscious of ending the cycle of frustration that comes with being stuck. It is choosing to, as they say, “go with the flow”; a flow of active acceptance and surrender. It is in trusting in the basic premise that we move, we move from now to what-is-to-come. It is in taking action when there is a need to but letting go and moving with the moment when there is no need to. Release, breathe and let go of being wound in knots. Acceptance is certainly not easy, hence my struggle with just describing what it is. When I find myself conflicted I am definitely wound into knots, for days on end, until I am willed to accept. It comes as a pleasant release to all my anxieties and frustrations when I do.

2. Keep your eyes and ears open for windows of opportunities: Acceptance comes with constant awareness of where you are in the moment. How you feel, how you emote, and how you relate are at the forefront of your awareness along with the intention to change it. With this awareness comes openness to opportunities. The world opens itself to many possibilities, perhaps ones that you weren’t even considering. But then again, perhaps possibilities won’t open up, so what? The fact is it clears your mind to look at your problem through a new lens, a lens that you allowed to clear with acceptance. So yes, keep your eyes and ears open for windows of opportunities and truly stay spontaneous.

3. “Symptom management”: signs of anxiety can range from palpitation, anxious ruminations, perspiration, chest constriction, hyperarousal, restlessness, avoidance, hypervigilance, hyperactivity, or lack of activity and so forth. Signs of depression can range from sad mood, negative cognition, negative rumination, hopelessness, worthlessness, suicidality, helplessness, avoiding pleasurable activities, crying spells, anger, lethargy, poor appetite and sleep, lack of energy and so forth. Now, awareness of one’s inner conflict and acceptance of the same does not mean we stop experiencing symptoms of anxiety and sadness. We might have ups and downs of it despite how hard we are trying to “go with the flow”. So becoming watchful of these signs and managing them becomes important. How do you do that? In a conversation with my dad about distractions from our major anxiety provoking issues he said something funny, yet profound. In order to distract himself from pressing anxieties he faces at work he takes a break by thinking about minor anxieties such as what to cook when he gets home (in the absence of my mum), or what to focus on at the gym, or how to help Aarathi (me) with her pressing situations. So Distraction is a powerful tool to help you go with the flow. Go to my previous blog on Intolerable me for more pointers on what you can do to distract yourself from anxious or sad states of being.

4. Mobilize Support: When you open your eyes to what is in front of you and acknowledge it you become open not only to opportunities that present itself but also to people who are willing to be there for you. Think about who you can confide in? Who can you talk to in order to feel supported, comforted and assisted? Go talk to them.

So there, that’s the ‘how to’ of getting some ‘control’ back in life. A long winded way to simplicity because we certainly have a knack for making our lives complicated than they ought to be.

The black, the white and the shades of marriage

7th January 2011 was my wedding anniversary. The night before, my husband had to remind me about what was special about the 7th. I had forgotten until then! He said it was a good thing, that it meant I had stopped keeping count and had settled into forever-after. I liked that. I’ve been married 6 years now. It’s not a long time for some but for a few it might be. I have known my husband for almost 12 years in all, now see that’s a whole lot longer for anyone to settle into forever after, wouldn’t you think? A couple of friends and I went out for dessert at lunch and suddenly while enjoying yummy dessert I had a pantomime mic (courtesy, one of my friends) ask me how marriage had been and if there were words of advice I would give to recently married and engaged women. That inspired me to think about my marriage, think about all the things I love and don’t about being married and our adjustments, compromises, agreements and disagreements. So here go some of my thoughts:

1. Gradually in marriage you move from an ego-centric place to acknowledging that your spouse has opinions, thoughts and ideas of his own-for the marriage, for himself and for you. Don’t be surprised!

2. Distance is definitely healthy in a marriage. If you have the space to think about it you might just realize how blessed you are to be in the marriage and how glad you are to also get distance. Embrace it!

3. Marriage is certainly not simple. Anything but. It has its nights and days of completely disliking your spouse, of getting annoyed at everything about him, of not being sure why you were married, of bitching about him with your girlfriends and mom. But, that’s just normal. I can bet I have felt dislike for every person I love, at one point or the other. Love and hate co-exist and I don’t see how this is any different from any other kind of hating/loving.

4. I remember comparing the-living-with-the-in-laws type to caged animals (myself included). Not in a bad way at all. In the book ‘Life of Pi’ the author sheds some light on animals in zoo. Says he that, it is not true that animals hate living in the zoo, that the only animals that escape the zoo are those that are not given their own clean and clear boundaries. Who are not respected with the space that belongs to them, these are the animals that flee and/or accidently while fleeing kill the zoo owner. The lesson to take from here is, regardless of who feels caged (the daughter-in-law or the MIL), what is necessary is boundaries in that relationship and minimal interference from the zoo authorities to live relatively happily!

5. There will be times when your husband wants something, and wants it bad and you? You don’t really care if you have it right now, or you don’t think you are ready for it yet. It could be anything, a baby, a supersonic bike, a trip somewhere with you when you have no time to spare, what do you do? Obviously talking is out of the question; he wants it and wants it bad, really, if you can talk some sense go right ahead. But I have come to believe, if I am not feeling so strongly about something he wants, or I am conflicted, it might help to go with the flow and follow his gut since yours is not ringing major alarm bells anyway. And who knows, it might result in something wonderful and a whole new side of your husband for a few months at the least.

6. Every time I attend a wedding, or there is one at home, I am deeply, deeply grateful that I am married and don’t EVER have to repeat it, EVER. Ofcourse, you get to be the prettiest woman at your wedding and all that but Indian marriages take the juice out of you. I remember not having much autonomy or comprehension of the wedding rituals, how I tie my saree (madusar by the way) or what kind of non-armor –like garland I can wear. I loved that I was the center of attention but seriously, three or four days of wedding is not the end of all the wedding grandiosity. It goes on for months…and months. So enjoy the one time only affair that is the wedding and be done.

7. Talking about newly married’s, my in-laws certainly were in for a culture shock, brining me home (as was I ofcourse) so for those who may have my kind of grand entry, stay put and hopefully six years after they get used to your quirkiness. Even if they don’t then, that’s ok ,you both will find a middle path that Buddha suggested was so important.

8. It has taken me a long time to know this in my marriage, let just a pinch of feminist remain in you and throw most of the salt out. Why? In my marriage, I’ve known my husband to be as much a feminist as I am so what is really important is to shed the social norm ideology that makes us and begin to build a twosome relationship as two individuals. So, “you think, just because I am your “wife” I should fold your clothes?” goes out the window. What comes in is “ahh, let me do something good for him (even if it is cleaning his shelf out, especially after he requested you to)”.

9. Building a home with your husband is the funest part of all. You might be the best at home decoration but serendipitously (since I have such less time with work and all) I have found that letting the hubby in on what’s out there unleashes the interior-decorator-beast in him.

10. You and your husband ought to have different hobbies and interests. It helps to explore the others interests, like for me I am now a gym freak as much as I thought I couldn’t. And him? Didn’t I already say, he’s as much a feminist as I am.

11. One of the best things about being married is the unlimited hugs, kisses and cuddling available at your disposal. As for me, it’s never quite enough and I always enjoy the affection we share.

12. Another thing I totally love, is how, every time my hubby goes to the store he always gets me something. And often it’s something I am craving for! If you share a telepathic instinct thing with your husband keep it going and appreciate every small gesture with that genuine affectioning.

13. I have concluded that if my husband has a complaint about my parents and/or if my parents have a complaint about my husband then what they really want is each other’s loving (that they aren’t getting right now) as for me, I have both people that love me.

So there! Thirteen things in no order of importance that come to mind after some easy pondering. Do share some of your thoughts about being in a relationship. And settle into forever with delight because there is so much that can be found in a lifetime together.

Child Sexual Abuse: Prevention, Impact and Treatment.

Clinical Psychologist during an intake: were you sexually abused?
Me: Yes.
Clinical Psychologist: Can you tell me about it?
Me: Well I was abused thrice…all three times by strangers, the first time when I was probably 10 years, in a train. I was with my family and everyone was asleep. I was traveling RAC with my grandmother and this man who was sharing the RAC seat put his hands under my skirt. I didn’t know how long his hand was between my things but when I woke up, it was there. I froze and didn’t know what to do until it was day light and he had finally decided to take his hand out.
Clinical Psychologist: That is not sexual abuse!
Me: (I Froze) what do you mean?
Clinical Psychologist: there was obviously no penetration. Sexual abuse is when penetration occurs and sexual molestation is when private parts are fondled. You should know that, you are studying to be a counselor!
Me: (visibly embarrassed and quiet thereafter)
While I do certainly wish the clinical psychologist in question was not so abrasive over technicalities and instead focused on what I was feeling. I was 22 years when this conversation occurred. Imagine my embarrassment. Here I was an “adult” in most ways than one and was totally unaware of how to address what happened to me and how to make sense of it. I am much older now and wiser than before. As a psychological counselor I have training in the area of abuse to be able to give words to my experience and I this knowledge will help some of the readers begin a journey into awareness about issues in child sexual abuse and molestation. While there are several aspects and people that this article can be addressed to, below are issues that are specific to what parents should do to prevent abuse, some “must know’s” of the effect of child abuse and some treatment strategies that parents can help their child with.

Prevention: If you are a parent: Start sex education early. It doesn’t necessarily have to be about the bees and the birds at the age of 5 or 6 but it is important to start by having a conversation with your child about good touch and bad touch. Mind you, what you say to a 5 year old about good touch and bad touch differs from what you say to 13 year old. However, what is important is, to:

1. Make the child feel comfortable when you are talking about this. Make eye contact with your child and ensure the child with your non-verbal’s and verbal’s that it is safe to talk to you about sex.

2. It is important to let the child know that her/his body is his own and that no one has the right to make the child feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable touch does not necessarily have to come from strangers but often does. These kind of touches may include touching private parts, hitting, slapping, pushing and punching etc. (A general rule of thumb for “bad touch” is to ensure that the child knows that the area of the body not appropriate to touch is the area that a swimsuit covers.)

3. Encourage the child to say ‘stop’ and ‘no’ when she experiences uncomfortable touch. Let her know that, is she is alone, she can scream for help as well. Let her know that she should never be alone with a person who makes her feel uncomfortable.

4. Emphasize that it is never the child’s fault and that it’s important for her to believe in herself.

5. Most importantly when the child experiences an uncomfortable touch or a bad touch encourage her to come to you and share it with you immediately.

6. Encourage your child to ask questions and be open, honest. Stick to the facts when you give them answers. Also encourage sex education in school (through formal education) and at home. PARENT: STAY INFORMED.

Short and long term effects of Child Sexual Abuse and Molestation: Children react to abuse in different ways. Below is only a brief list of “must-know’s “:

1. It is possible that when immediate action is taken to protect the child, after a traumatic incident, the child may report minimal trauma or none at all as opposed to children who undergo significant abuse or molestation and have not shared it with their parent.

2. A possible psychological effect of sexual abuse is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is (1) the frequent reexperiencing of the event through nightmares or intrusive thoughts (2) a numbing of general responsiveness to, or avoidance of current events and (3) persistent symptoms of increased arousal, such as jumpiness, sleep disturbance or poor concentration.

3. Children who have been abused exhibit more posttraumatic fear, anxiety and concentration problems than do their non-abused peers.

4. A variety of studies show that because children who have been abused are typically in a negative environment of abuse they tend to typically overestimate the amount of danger in the world and underestimate their self- worth and trust in themselves to take charge, and trust in others. They often feel a sense of helplessness and hopelessness about difficult situations.

5. In children, anger is frequently expressed in behavioral problems, with abused children and adolescents displaying significantly more difficulties in this area than what is found typically in the general population.

6. Frequently in adulthood these individuals show significant clinical depression or anxiety. Avoidance of abuse-specific memories and feelings involve abusing substances, increased suicidal thoughts and focusing on various other tension-reducing activities like indiscriminate sexual behavior, binging and purging may occur.

How an individual copes with abuse depends on several factors such as her temperament, family support, environmental conditions, early childhood bonding with child’s parents or guardians and so forth.

Treatment:Since the effect of abuse is varied among people so is the treatment. It often is tailored to the individuals needs. Hence a visit to a clinical psychologist or a psychological counselor can prove to be extremely helpful.

1. There are several modes of treatment or approaches that a clinician can guide a child or an adult with. Children often respond to structured models of play therapy and behavior modification that are catered to the child’s specific issues and eventually enable a child to reestablish trust in herself, in interpersonal relationships and in her own body.

2. Support at home to encourage the individual to seek treatment can go a long way.

3. If you are a parent, trusting the child when she come to you with this vulnerable piece of information can help ensure that the child can trust in herself and her environment to protect her right now and in the future as well. Take whatever action that needs to be taken to keep your child in a safe environment.

4. Allow the child space and time to heal and also let the child relearn how to trust the environment in which she has to readjust to.

5. Encourage the child to partake in grounding activities such as yoga, running, and other positive soothing self care activities and positive distraction strategies that will encourage the child to feel safe, grounded in the present and speed the process of recovery.

Last but not the least; I cannot emphasize how difficult an experience of abuse can be. Several studies show that children of the age of 5-12 are largely vulnerable to abuse and almost 50% of offenders are people that children often trust. Both boys and girls are at equal risks. The experience of abuse is as diverse as the number of experiences one can have. Abuse or molestation, whatever be it, has a significant impact on the child. Prevention, early intervention and support are some of the major areas that parents, educators and medical professionals should be educated in. Don’t take twenty two years of your life to set things straight with your child or yourself. Start right now!

(This Article was for a magazine Psyinsight, India.)

A Courageous Mistake...after another

I should want this. But then I don’t, not entirely at least.
I should want to be there for you, with all my being,
I should want to share your dreams, your hopes and your ideas but then I don’t, not entirely at least.
I should want it so bad that I should make this happen, but then I don’t, not entirely at least.

I want it, only partially; like I wouldn’t mind having it but I wouldn’t collapse without it
But it angers you to know this and as a result angers me so
I am angry, not with you, but from not wanting it as much as you do,
Wanting it, only partially, for now at least.

I push myself hard, I feel like a thankless criminal everyday
I look at you and perceive reprimanding eyes,
The perceived reproof in your eyes, strokes remorse in my being.----------

What is the distance between sanity and insanity? What is the distance between love and hate? What is the distance between happiness and regret? I’ve come to believe that they are neighbors that these polarities hang on a thin line; that somewhere these paths merge. That it is one thin tight-rope on which all humans walk…one after another, simultaneously, and sometimes in a rush. How else can we make sense of some relationships where we begin with love and are weathered down by a series of wants, desires, expectations, routine, confrontations, arguments, dissatisfactions and finally crumble down to hate or love-hate maybe? How else can I justify knowing with complete sanity that a certain path is my destination only to realize a few years down that lane that maybe I made a mistake? And what is my justification that I am happy about giving up a part of me for some time, till I fulfill another’s want only to become bitter and angry later?
Spiritually of course, I am sure one would agree that love and hate, sanity and insanity, happiness and regret are merely two sides of the same coin, that they come from the Oneness and go back into it, that there is a more than just polarity in this world, that emotions are merely tides that touch the shore of reason and go back into the wilderness where they belong. Socio-culturally, there is the rationale that these polarities are concepts enveloped within a cultural space. That what I call insane in my country maybe perfect sanity in yours and so on.
My dimension of exploring polarities however emerges from within my emotions. From wondering what the distance is between feeling a high and a low, from wondering in awe, in fact, about my ability to switch from one negative perspective to a positive one or vice-versa. So here’s what I figure, if the polarities I experience are a thin tight rope on which I walk and that somewhere the path of happiness and sadness merge, of sanity and insanity intertwine and love and hate become one then why not free fall? Let me explain, if my polarities are two sides of a coin then it means I will experience hate and love, insanity and sanity, regret and satisfaction, sadness and happiness, regardless of what the situation is right? Then why not know that the decisions I have made will make me feel these various emotions anyway? Why not know that the decisions I make, every second of every day, will be cast into the myriad polarities of emotions? So might as well brave it up and live with old decisions and make new ones with more courage, no?

Intolerable me

Ever felt you couldn’t tolerate something so much that you were not thinking straight anymore? Ever felt so angry you found yourself doing the most unlikely of things? Or maybe unrequited love drove you bonkers? Or perhaps you were so grief stricken you couldn’t move, let alone think?
Studies on memory and emotions suggests that information that is dramatic or evokes emotional reactions may be a potent source of what is known as mental contamination – a process in which our judgments, emotions, or behavior are influenced by mental processing that is not readily under our control. Specifically, studies suggest that information that evokes emotional reactions may be especially likely to produce mental contamination because emotional reactions are diffuse in nature and tend to trigger thought that is not careful, rational, or analytic. Therefore, one could safely assume that situations that cause emotional reactions, of anger, rage, sadness, disappointment, grief, fear, and so forth, often suggests something about us and how we are feeling. But it is never quite the complete picture.

I’m sure you have been there and felt that. Take, for instance, my situation: when my husband is angry and upset that I have been spending a lot of time at work and that we have been spending lesser and lesser time together as a result, we get ourselves into these fights that don’t make sense. He begins his monologue about how he is the only husband (possibly the only one in India) that allows his wife to do any/everything she wants. And my feministic side blows up! I tell him how I don’t care about him and what he or his race (the male race) think, but that it’s a free world and I will choose to do whatever I please.

Consider this other interesting piece of research on mood congruence effects on memory: when we are in a bad mood we notice and remember negative information. Hence, it is especially during fights like the one I described that, I remember how my husband “always” wants me to be at his beck and call, and serve him like all Indian men do of their wives. I remember how he “never” gets that there’s more to working than just earning money and that we will “always” have a difference of opinion where my work is concerned.

Obviously, mood congruence effect also suggests that when we are in a good mood we often notice and remember positive information about our environment. So when I am all in love, Vasanth, my husband, is the most open minded and wonderful man on earth and I couldn’t have asked for more!

Of course, when Vasanth and I are calmer and more mindful we know for a fact that we indeed couldn’t ask for more. We love each other’s company and enjoy our fights (mostly 30 minutes after) as much as we do our silences. But like the research suggests we are not always connected to our “higher selves” especially when our emotions rattle us.

What might be some things this research can teach us about wellness and emotional wellbeing in our daily lives? Clearly, it goes to say that acting from a place of intolerable emotion can be a dangerous thing. That, it would serve well to connect with our higher self- one that includes our executive brain functioning and not just the limbic system of our brain (which is said to be the emotion center in humans) But how do we that? How do we reduce negative emotions so that we can remember from a balanced place? Here are some things I do and some that psychologists recommend:

1. Learn to sooth and relax yourself: Using your five senses of sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch often allows your heart to beat more slowly and your blood pressure to reduce so that your body no longer feels like it’s in a state of constant emergency of emotion. As a result, it will become easier for your brain to think of healthier ways to cope with your problems too. These activities are meant to bring a small amount of peace in your life so if they don’t help or makes things worse, don’t do it. Try something else. Here are some self soothing activities:

Self Soothing using your Sense of Smell:• Burn scented candles or incense in your room or house. Find a scent that’s pleasing to you
• Bake your own food that has a pleasing smell, like chocolate chip cookies
• Buy fresh-cut flowers or seek out flowers in your neighborhood
• Hug someone whose smell makes you feel calm

Self Soothing using your Sense of Vision• Go through magazines and books to cut out pictures that you like. Make a collage of them to hang up on your wall or keep some of them with you in your handbag or walled to look at when your away from home
• Go to the bookstore and find a collection of photographs or paintings that you find relaxing such as the nature photographs of Ansel Adams. Heres a picture thats on my desktop. Its from a trip to New Zealand with my family. We drove to Glenorchy and it was a beautiful day and we got someone of the best pictures! Choosing something personal is a wonderful idea too!
• Carry a photograph of someone you love, someone you find attractive or someone your admire

Self Soothing using your Sense of Hearing
• Listen to soothing music.
• Listen to books on tape or compact discs.
• Turn on the television and just listen. Find a show that’s boring or sedate, not something that’s just going to get you angry. Make sure you turn the volume down to a level that’s not too loud and just watch it.

Self Soothing using your Sense of Taste• Enjoy your favorite meal, whatever it is. Eat it slowly so you can enjoy the way it tastes.
• Carry lollipops or gum, or other candy with you to eat when you are feeling upset
• Drink something soothing such as tea, coffee or hot chocolate. Practice drinking it slowly so you can enjoy the way it tastes
• Suck on an ice cube or an ice pop, especially if you’re feeling warm and enjoy the taste as it melts in your mouth

Self Soothing using your Sense of Touch
• Carry Something soft or velvety in your pocket to touch when you need to, like a piece of cloth.
• Take a hot or cold shower and enjoy the feelings of the water falling on your skin
• Take a warm bubble bath or a bath with scented oils and enjoy the soothing sensations on your skin.
• Get a massage. If you are uncomfortable with touch you could get a traditional Japanese shiatsu massage or a thai massage that simply require you to wear loose fitting clothes. A shoulder massage can be done without removing your clothes or massage yourself
• Play with your pet.
• Wear your most comfortable clothes like your favorite worn-in T-Shirt, baggy sweat suit or old jeans.

2. I often remind myself that I am my emotions, thoughts, feelings, and behavior -all put together and more. So it’s never just one emotion that defines me, or one logical thought.

3. I act out my emotions in a safe space; typically around people who realize # 2 about themselves and me. When its fights with my husband, I retort back but we both also take a break from each other while I talk to a friend, sibling or a parent.

4. I practice patience with myself. I remind myself that I am limited by my emotion/logic right now and I take the time and space to see a bigger picture. Here are some things I normally do to tolerate my distress:
• Practice yoga
• Go for a walk on a treadmill or around a jogging track
• Take a bath
• Practice breathing meditations or pranayama
• Go on to my terrace and watch the city in silence
• Cry
• Talk to a friend
• Write
• Go to a spa
• Take a break and visit my parents
• Chat with my sister
• Practice Reiki
• Read fiction novels

Try some new self-soothing techniques. Making them a part of your everyday life increases the chances that you can practice it with ease when you are feeling overwhelming emotions. Allow yourself an opportunity to experience wellness every day. What are some things you do? What self soothing activity would you like to try from the list above? Add more to the list as well!




Reference:
Matthew Mc Kay, Jeffery C. Wood and Jeffrey Brantley: The DBT Skills Workbook
Baron: Psychology

The Emotional Side of Getting Pregnant: The Infertility Experience

Shraddha was in tears. She had got her period again. Unable to hold herself anymore she closed the lid of the toilet seat, sat down on it and wept. Voices and images raced in her head, her mother’s “I can’t wait from my grandchild!”, her husband’s “Don’t think about it, it will happen”, her friends’ uncomfortable silences and her own dismal truth experienced every day had become painful. She tested her body temperature each morning, noting for daily changes. She was diligently noting events such as sexual intercourse, sleepless nights, and sickness. She peed every other week in a cup to test for ovulation. “Prolactin testing, serum testing, thyroid testing”, the voices wouldn’t cease and worse still she knew “testing” was set to become more and more invasive with “post-coital testing”, laparoscopy and every other thing in the loom. A cloud of confusion sat on Sraddha’s head as she began to wipe her tears away. She was at once angry, frustrated, sad, dejected, annoyed, worried, powerless, and cheated. A wave of fatigue swept through her and she felt numb again.

Shraddha is just one among many women and men struggling to make sense of infertility. The text book definition of infertility is “the inability to achieve a viable pregnancy after 12 months of regular, unprotected sexual intercourse”. According to WHO estimates 8-10% of couples experience the frustration of infertility at some point in their relationship. They also indicate that the incidence is equal among both men and women, which means it’s never just the woman’s or man’s fault, like our society often makes it out to be.

Infertility and our Society
India is possibly the most difficult country to live in with infertility. Well, it may seem like that at least. With families trying to hide the fact that their son or daughter is infertile to marriages ending on the grounds of infertility, we are a culture where one might give up their lives sooner than acknowledge that infertility is in question.

We begin our marriages with blessings from our elders to beget many children; we are often reminded of the same every time we pay our respects to them. “May you be blessed with a son, just like mine” says the mother-in-law. Relatives seem to insist “Your biological clock is ticking”, friends ask “are you family planning?” Parents seem to wonder “when am I going to be a grandparent?” Why, one of the many standard job interview questions seems to be “do you have children?” At this rate, I’ll bet you (obviously because research, work and experience shows) that no couple is comfortable making love with questions like this circling their head.

Unfortunately, in a country like ours, where a high premium is placed on family, the stigma that comes with infertility weighs heavily upon women like Shraddha. Moreover, our own thoughts, fuelled by myths, plague us “I shouldn’t have taken birth control for so long”, “its Gods punishment for my abortion”, “that’s just how my fate is”, and “this is because I didn’t want to have children when I was younger” comes back to us in our most vulnerable states.

“I am all tied up in knots and can’t think straight”: Infertility and the Biopsychosocial Impact

Research has reported high incidence of anxiety and depression among couples who are infertile and/or trying fertility treatments to get pregnant. “Finding out the problem” can cause immense emotional upheaval in itself. Like Shraddha, just beginning the process of finding out why a couple can’t get pregnant can be more that just frustrating. Couples often experience a roller coaster of emotions, ranging from anger, frustration, and sadness to guilt, shame, stigmatization, loneliness, jealously, loss, grief and helplessness. Couples report feeling exploited by their doctors who initiate new procedures on them, worse still is the experience of many couples who feel rushed or discouraged to ask their doctor questions about different tests, what is to come and what needs to be done. Frustration and anger toward professionals is also a common experience of couples whose treatment fails at one phase or another.

From focusing on life in general with responsibilities of work, love and leisure couples suddenly find themselves overloaded by the” role of an infertile adult”. With weekly visits to the hospital, to noting daily changes of body temperature, time of sex and so forth couples are often reminded of their inadequacy as an adult. The stress of figuring out time and money for fertility treatments weigh heavily on couples.

The marital effects that the infertility experience brings with it are immense. Coping with stress is unique to individuals and often times, when one couple focuses on issues in a solution-focused way the other couple is emotionally focused on the issue. Like Shraddha, many woman choose to get scrutinized first (medical tests and the like) than going at it together as a couple. Often times, one partner may be more ready than the other to name the elephant in the room. Moreover, at some point, what once was perceived an enjoyable sexual experience becomes more and more uncomfortable because what was once making love, is now a goal oriented exercise. The dynamics that couples create between one another either make it extremely easy to deal with the pain or extremely hard to deal with the pain that comes with getting pregnant. Many times it is the latter that happens. Studies show that couples who are able to name the elephant in the room and work together towards a personal goal, they become more intimate in their marriage than before.

Because of the role overload and the immense stress, couples find themselves slowly withdrawing from social support the once enjoyed. While friends don’t know what to say, relatives say too much. Studies have shown that often couples perceive that the support that they get from their friends and family as limited.

From being a biological upheaval to an emotional one there is much to be considered when couples come to this place of getting pregnant. Appraising the situation as a biological issue does not mean it is not an emotional process. The experience of infertility is a very private and emotional one. From starting on getting tested to deciding on IUIs, IVFs, adoption or donor programs-stress only gets built more and more. Hence, acknowledging the biopsychosocial impact of infertility is key to a healthy coping process, what that simply means in the words of one of my clients is “it’s ok to feel like you are a mess right now”. Seeking a counselor who is able to support the couple with the emotional upheaval experienced due to infertility can be extremely beneficial while one is on the road to becoming a parent.

Stages of Grief

It feels like mayhem, this hurt that I am experiencing.
While others’ thoughts are clear like crystal, mine confuse me.
Is this how loss is felt, I wonder.
I think back on how loss tastes, how it feels and how it torments
I realize the familiar ache.
I want to be rescued; I want to be safe,
I want to be undisturbed and uninvolved with pain.

Difficult dialogues plague my mind,
‘What if’s’ stay afloat like oil on water.
Anger empowers me only to loosen its hold way too soon
I suddenly remember the stages of grief.

My heart beats louder and harder when I think about everything that lead to now.
I want to give up on the fight and retract into my cocoon.
I hate the cocoon; it makes me feel uncomfortable to say the least.
I am so indignant I don’t want to accept the cocoon.
I want to know why, I want to be heard, I want to push, I want to roar.
But then again, is there any point to all that noise,
I want to say there is, but I am not so sure anymore.
It’s not the same anymore, it probably never was.

I am rendered to look at my own heart
I want to tend to it, I want to attend
I want to give it hope and a bit of reassurance.
I should let it wallow, so I mope and grieve
I become entangled in the voices and spiral down, again.

I am responsible for my actions and the decisions are made
I can foresee that I must collect my bearings and set sail,
On a fresh start that tends to my heart and to my life.
I carry the pangs of loss;
Like a sore scar on my chest I feel it, when it’s nudged.
I am moving on, I am moving on
I will listen to the wind and cast my sail in the direction
But I can’t promise on not making a mistake.

Facing forward, looking back

My heart skips a beat. It’ll be a whole year, on the 4th of June 2010, since I came back from a three year long life in New York. I am a restless spirit, often finding new things that interests me, that keeps me alive, that moves me and that teaches me a thing or more about life and myself. I do tons to quench the restlessness and I enjoy it all in its bits, pieces and whole. And I reckon I have moments when my throat gets parched again. Not to do more but to steer in a direction that is once again mine. I feel this parched throat now; this feeling that I may be steering in a direction that is not mine. Not running away/ahead and instead looking back helps. And this is my attempt. Here’s 30 things I’ve learnt in this year (and possibly will keep relearning)-with work, family and life:

1. Love your work because satisfaction can take you a long way, and when you decide you need to get paid a lot more someone will recognize it and possibly pay for it.

2. Don’t take anybody for face value-it’s a good thing.

3. The brain stores transitory images for a few seconds-iconic memory, which is why everything appears as a continuum.

4. Everyone is vulnerable.

5. Children are wonderful! Even the rascals. They love metaphors as much as I do!

6. Anecdote: Watch your breath without changing it in anyway. Don’t change it, just watch it. Impossible right? The mere effort of watching your breath changes the quality of it. Similar are our emotions. Just acknowledging it changes it (Diana- during her classes).

7. Dysfunction rests in relationships- thank you Monica McGoldrick.

8. Boundaries and limits to what you can and cannot do; what others can and cannot do in a relationship with you, makes life easy.

9. Multitasking is one heck of a skill. Hone it really well.

10. Have a bible for your profession? Learn it well. One of mine is the DSM IV TR.

11. Find a sounding board-a friend, colleague and/or supervisor who will be there for you when the going gets really sticky and otherwise too.

12. Keep generating ideas for the future, write it down somewhere, share it with someone and get working on it while you stay focused on what you are already doing-ah, multitasking yea? Yes, but also is a way to nurture your creativity, motivation and enthusiasm for life and work.

13. Focus on your marriage, part I, just because you are married to the love of your life doesn’t mean everything will work out, you have to work with it/in it, to work it out.

14. Focus on your marriage, part II, if you don’t then you’ll have a tantrum throwing husband who will set you straight.

15. Stay in touch with your family, go visit them, get pampered, rejuvenated and ready to come back to life. Like my father says, automobiles go back to their original showroom service station to get serviced to be as good as brand new for the next few months/years until it’s time for the next free servicing. Same are humans, so go back to your service stations once in a while to take a break/rejuvenate. ( Service station = Social support )

16. Give your husband a boys night out, at least the TV is all yours then.

17. Check in with yourself every once in a while. What’s going on? How are you feeling? What is the pattern with this fight and every other fight with your husband/mother/whoever? What is the reason for running forward/ahead of yourself? What would your therapist say? What is another perspective to this situation? Do you really like cricket or are you just pretending to like the T20 series for your husband’s sake, if yes, how long can you tolerate watching it?

18. If you and your husband are alike, chances are you won’t know what to do for fun on weekends and will end up, for many weekends, just hanging out at home lazing or going on a drive to see how the construction of your new home is coming. That’s fun! But better pray things will change as you age together. So yes, this is perhaps part III of focus on your marriage. Be creative and explore new things together!

19. It’s awesome to wake up to mornings when you get good morning kisses from your husband.

20. Backpacks are awesome to carry to work (not the best style statement, but whatever). At least it’s just one bag as opposed to a hand bag, a laptop bag, a gym bag and sometimes a lunch box and water-wait, I knew this in grad school too. Well, haven’t you heard, you keep making a mistake till you learn something out of it.

21. Where you live on the outside doesn’t matter as much as where you live on the inside. Yet, I can’t wait to start living in our brand new home!

22. I am a cheerleader for cupid. Love is so magical!

23. Advertising over the internet rocks for your (my) business, but consistent outreach and marketing takes you a long way. Time to implement now.

24. Iphone has changed the quality of my telephone life.

25. Traffic in India has a life of its own, keeping your life on your sleeve and driving is contrary to Indian traffic rules. You’ve got to brave up before you face the music that is Indian roads.

26. Stay in touch with the good friends you made everywhere- make plans to visit them, have them visit you, talk to them every once in a while- what do you think skype, gchat, and all is for!

27. Gradually expand the quality of your life-with work and otherwise.

28. Slow down enough to appreciate another’s perspective once in a while.

29. Stay interested in looking good!

30. Be ok with those down days (at least in retrospect)-everyone has them, and everyone needs one.