Starting Solids

My munchkin loves her first food! 

I had knots in my stomach. Should we really start solids today? I wondered. There was some sort of fear creeping up within me and I wasn't sure why. My dad said I should be happy we were starting solids for Anika as she grows now and my mum wondered why I was so frightened.  I am not sure why either. After all she was ready, she was six months, she was rearing to eat, she watched us eat all the time and tried to grab food any chance she got, she was sitting up and everything!

And yet, I felt a little "somewhat" at the thought of my little one starting solids today. Its funny, but really I think its the feeling of realizing this is more real than ever. My litttle one is growing, life keeps moving on and the next thing you know she will be crawling around the house, then running and more!

As we fed pureed apples today she wanted more! She loved it even before we started. She grabbed her tiny little applesauce bowl and wanted to eat it all by herself. My fear transformed into such pleasure. I was so pleased and surprised at how amazingly well she ate her first solid food, and she knew when to stop, oh my baby! Why was I even worried, I wondered.

It takes me back to how my parents were with me. I would always see a little bit of hesitation, a bit of eagerness and a tad bit of nervousness in their eyes as I started something new, and then they would completely embrace the new as a part of who I am . There is always a slight tug in that heart of yours before you let go, isn't there? Ah! the joys of motherhood, you learn to embrace and let go at the same time. 

Long Distance Relationships Work!

A friend of mine who moved to an adjacent town to be with his  lady love endearingly called his relationship a short distance relationship. Long or short, a relationship that endures time and space can be good and bad depending on the way you treat it.

I've known so many couples that put themselves through a long distance relationship, I've been one of them too. My husband and I endured a three year long long-distance so that I can go finish graduate school. Before that, while we were still dating we were on a year long  long-distance so he could go finish school.

Many people will have you believe that long distance relationships don't work. Well, if you go with that attitude it definitely wont. Agreed it's hard. There used to be times when, my gloom about being away from my husband would entirely engulf me for days. We've fought tooth and nail, we've not spoken for days, there was anything but love on some days, and we've hung up the phone over and over again (me, more than him) but we have come back together at the end of it all. So what makes a long distance relationship tick? 

Here's what I've known from seeing others do it and from living it:

Stay Commited

1.Being a 100% committed to the relationship:  if you are starting a long distance relationship with a "lets see how it goes" attitude you are not really invested in making it work. You will need to agree on what will work for the both of you. While my husband was on a year long long-distance to go study, it was way back when I was broke, didn't have enough money to make phone calls, and he was just a student scraping by as well. So we stuck to emails and chat. We would email each other every day! Well, it was early in my relationship and I was smitten, what do you expect? You don't have to write emails everyday or even chat. I know of a friend who speaks to her long distance fiance only on weekends, that works brilliantly for them. So make a commitment about how you stay committed to making your long distance work.  What works for the both of you is what counts. 

2. Introduce your partner to people around you: For weeks no one at my work place knew that I was married, this was when I was away. It didnt strike me that I should tell. What would I say " I just finished the project you asked me to do, and by the way I am married"? In a conversation with my boss about husbands I mentioned to her that "my husband does that too!" and oh what a surprise! We sat around talking about how she had no clue that I was married. Well, yes I didn't wear a ring (that was not part of my tradition) but I didn't wear my tamilian "Taali" either so how was she supposed to know. When you think it appropriate go ahead and let everyone know that you have a partner, albeit ocean's apart. It helps when people see you as engaged/in a relationship. For one, you will know how to keep off possible attractions and another important thing, you get to talk about it, how difficult it is, how wonderful it is and how happy your partner makes you! I eventually got a ring that lasted for my stay in the States. Now I am ring-less and chain-less but I bet you know I am married.

3. Fights are not final words on ANY thing:There were several fights in our relationship in the three years that we were apart. But there are several fights even now. Fights only mean that you are trying to make your ego more permeable, that is you are letting your partner in, even though its difficult. If both of you know that fights are only temporary and any problem can be solvable you are good to go!

That right! Go on a vacation with your partner

4. Take breaks together: If you can take breaks from work and go meet your beau for a while and if your partner can do the same, great! Its a great way to figure out who does the laundry and who does the cooking. If you both can take breaks and go on a trip together, even better! My husband and I used to see each other every once in three months. Was great for us. You will need to find what works for you.





5. To befriend or not to befriend the opposite  or same sex (depending on your orientation): For some reason, it gave me great comfort that my husband hated other women. Well, I don't think he hated other women, he would just tell me anecdotes of how a "stupid lady at the gym..." did a certain thing or a "silly woman on the road" frustrated him.  Maybe it was his way of reassuring me that we were in a committed relationship, it worked for me. Both of us just kept off opposite sex friends, (I've had the ability to make great girl friends and stick with them so that helps). It happened naturally for us. You will need to find your midpoint. Eye candies are everywhere, there is no denying it, you will just need to be aware of it and know how truly blessed you are about being in a relationship with your partner. If it helps, like my husband, you can tell anecdotes of what pisses you off about the opposite sex, don't go overboard though, then its obvious that something is up!

6. Don't be a martyr: The martyr act pisses everyone. You need to realize that if you are going long-distance on a relationship then it is YOUR choice. Your partner cannot force you in on this one. So don't become a nag and tell your partner that it has to stop before the stipulated time. Long distance is already difficult, you don't want to cause terrible heartaches by being a martyr too.

7. Know when it ends: There has to be a "happily ever after" (until you actually start living it, that is) but jokes apart. It helps when both of you know when the long distance will cease and when you can move in, and "start" a life together.

8. No children commitment: See, I just think it is the hardest thing to do EVER, to have a baby and be on long distance. You need to know that as adults you have chosen to be apart, but your baby did not choose this. So while you are apart, stay committed to sustaining and enjoying your work and each other.

Ok, I'll stop at this nice even number and let you munch over the information. If you have been in a relationship that was long distance come talk about it! Did it work? What helped? A great many people wonder about the stability of long term relationships. I did too. Its a scary proposition and it can be heart wrenching but you've got to do what you got (read want)to do, so embrace it proactively  and continue to be in love!

Spiritual Diary # 6: Quietening the mind

If you have a minute to spare, just close your eyes and observe what happens in that head of yours. We are plagued by our thoughts. Thoughts about what, when, how and why of any and every thing. It is these thoughts that make us. Indeed, my thoughts create opinions about things and people, they help me understand the world, albeit through a narrow lens, they help me decide on my life's goals and they help me critically analyze what is good for me and the world at large. They prepare me for success and failure. They make us, really. I think, therefore I am.

If you give yourself a few minutes everyday to just watch your thoughts, you will be astound by how repetitive, mundane and tangential they can get. Of course, there are moments of creative thinking, sparks that define us too, but they are thoughts all the same. I think, therefore I am.

But isn't that limiting? 'I', my ego, keeps things in control by thinking-logically, practically, emotionally, but what about the moments when we let go, loose control, surrender and become one, moments when thoughts cease to exist, albeit momentarily?

Are you listening?

Quietening the mind is a process that entails making the ego permeable. Making the 'I' permeable. It entails letting others in, being vulnerable and dropping the controlling aspects of our selves. This, I am learning, happens when you balance the 'being' and 'doing' aspects of yourself.


For me, putting my little baby girl to sleep is one of those moments of letting go and making my ego permeable. If my mind is racing, and is full of thoughts about things to do, I fail to notice what Anika wants. She cries and screams, almost like telling me to focus on something besides myself. Only when I switch from the 'I' state can I really listen to her needs. Only when I cease to think and just be, can I deeply feel connected to my daughter.

I'll bet that most of us have experienced, in one way or another, this connection. When you find a deeper connection with yourself or someone else there is a sense of falling away of the ego. Words have a way of coming in between this understanding. Think about times when just looking at someone arose compassion, love and calmness.

Thoughts separate us from what is.They take us away from connections we can possibly make with others in the present moment. They separate us from deeper connections we can make with ourselves and the world. But how does one not think? In our day-to-day lives there are many moments when we let go and just be. Like when I put my baby to sleep, when I relinquish my stubborn "must have's" to some one else's requests or when I meditate.

Here is a wonderful quote from Mark Epstein's book that is apt in the context of quieting the mind:

"Be Patient, do nothing, cease striving. We find this advice disheartening and therefore unfeasible because we forget it is our own inflexible activity that is structuring the reality. We think that if we do not hustle, nothing will happen and we will pine away. But the reality is probably in motion and after a while we might take part in that motion. But one can't know" -Paul Goodman.

Spiritual Diary # 5: Mindful Activism

Today is one of those days. I woke up next to my little one who was also beginning to wake. Because it was early and because she had slept late last night, I knew from previous experience that if I didn't activate her she would go back to sleep. But here was my husband, who woke up along with us today and was thrilled to see that our little one was waking. He cooed to her, kissed her and began to talk to her. Anika was enjoying it but I was upset. I told my husband not to activate her, that she needed her sleep and she would go back to sleep if she was left to herself. I regretted this soon as I said it.

Photo: Charlotte Community of Mindfulness

Thus began my morning, with a 'no!' on my lips and regret on my mind. I wanted it to go away because that's not what a mindful person wakes up with. Unfortunately, I couldn't shake off the feeling that germinated within me and I just went about my morning's spiritual practice with a cloud in my head.

The feeling grew larger and wilder when I 'had' to hurry my practice, take care of some chores and put my baby back to sleep and it culminated in the most unmindful outburst at my mother. Of course, at the end of it my loop of regret and anger at myself only got reinforced. I sat for my  afternoon practice of meditation and saw that I was pushing a part of myself away, like an adult who shushes a child who only knows how to cry when her needs are not met. This imagery instantaneously roused compassion in my heart for the part I was pushing away. So okay, I was angry, I was upset and I was grouchy. I sat with the feeling without trying to decipher who did what to make me go bonkers. The meditation didn't leave me feeling great but I was able to step out of the cycle somewhat and by my evening practice I felt mindful enough to let go.

Why am I sharing this detail? I've just begun to appreciate how immensely important these bad days are in teaching me about myself and about the world around me. We talk about greed, about discrimination, about inequality and about how it is all rests in our hearts. These dark feelings germinate and stay within us much like my anger, dissatisfaction and regret. Often these feels go on to hurt someone else. We hurt our family with our harsh words, we hurt our mother earth with our unmindful deeds and we hurt each other and ourselves with our discriminatory treatment towards one another. Most of all we hurt ourselves. Our anger, greed, fear, insecurity gets reinforced when we try to push it away or try to eliminate it by taking it out on someone else. I don't mean to say we should stop it right away. I tried pushing my anger and it went nowhere. It reinforced itself with every other aspect of my day. What I do mean to point out though, is that what you see on the outside germinates from within. Not being mindful at the start of my day made me look at everything through that lens. Everything seemed unacceptable, including myself. 

My anger towards hate crimes is justified, my anger towards inequalities is further justified, hey! I am a brown woman from a developing country I know what it is to be discriminated against. But this anger that's arising in me, can i just sit with it? Just sit with the anger and not with what happened to anger me. Can I sit with it and accept it? Can I breathe through it and gain a broader perspective? Is there a child within that is being shushed? Whatever it be, understanding the source of our darkness and another persons behavior from this place of accepting our anger (or darkness for that matter)can help us break out of the cycle of hate. I am hopeful about that. What might germinate from understanding is mindful action. I would have woken up with with my husband and baby and spend the early hours of the morning in the cocoon of love that was generated by Anika's smile and my husband's delight.  

You loose an opportunity to love, understand and partake in growth and joy when you act from a place of anger, fear, insecurity, greed-from a place of un-mindfulness. You also gain love, understanding and joy from this same place if you can accept it, breathe and practice in some mindful activities. 

I hope to notice my anger, my greed, my jealousy, my darkness, to see how it manifests within me and outside of me, I hope to take that opportunity to teach me a new way of being. That is activism to me. 

..............................

To read more go to: Spiritual Diet  Spiritual Diary # 1  Spiritual Diary # 2
Spiritual Diary # 3  Spiritual Diary # 4 Spiritual Diary # 5

Spiritual Diary #3: Understanding

"The giver is our parents; we are the continuation of our parents and our ancestors. The gift is our body itself. The one who receives the gift is us. As we continue to meditate on this, we see clearly that the giver, the gift, and the receiver are one. All three present in our body. When we are deeply in touch with the present moment, we can see that our ancestors and all future generations are present in us. Seeing this, we will know what to do and what not to do-for ourselves, our ancestors, our children and their children" -Nhat Hahn in Peace is Every Step.
                                                               **********

Anger. Jealously. Hatred. Contempt. Greed. I have it all in my heart and as I move through my 21 day spiritual diet I seem to become more and more aware of it.  I have had days when I wake up irate. Possessed by anger I express it when my husband doesn't fold the sheets, leaves a wet towel on the bed, or rushes me on his way to work. On irate days I am unpleasant with my parents who call me in the morning to wish me a good day. I am upset by the traffic, by the maid, by work and finally by myself for being irate. As the day gradually moves by I can 'suck it up' but I am never fully recovered from mornings like these. I find myself on a loop of regret and guilt for having been rude to myself and people around me.

Shining the light of mindfulness on my everyday life has led me to become aware of the seed of my anger, when it begins to form. While I sit with my destructive emotions and look at them, a new understanding dawns on me.Nhat Hahn in his book asks us not to push our emotions away but sit with them and breathe "Breathing in, I know that anger is in me, Breathing out, I know that I am my anger" breathe instead of being consumed by thoughts about what another person did to anger us. 

Nhat Hanh ask us if we would scream at the lettuce for not growing well? No! If you have planted the lettuce and it doesn't seem to grow well you will look into the reasons for why it isn't growing well rather than yell at the lettuce or blame yourself or someone else for it. Once you understand the reason you will nourish it in a way that will make it grow well. Thus are humans. If you find that you are angry at someone, sit, breathe and ask yourself why that is so. When you shine this kind of mindfulness on yourself and others, real understanding takes place.

In an emphatic statement Nhat Hanh says "no blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding, if you understand, and show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change". While it feels like a tall order, I start with myself. All of psychology tells you that when you are angry you should breathe, count from 10 to 1 but I have found that this does very little. What has helped instead is this practice of everyday mindfulness even when you are not overwhelmed by negative emotions. Breathing in I calm my body, breathing out I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment!" . Practicing mindfulness through yoga, meditation and pranayam helps me catch my negative emotions the moment it shows up . Practicing mindfulness will place positive seeds on an everyday basis which will then act as antibodies, taking care of negative emotions when they seize us. 

Nhat Hahn says, if we can see the entire humanity in a grain of rice, if we can see our mother in the palm of our hand, when we are one with our parents, our ancestors and our children in a way that is expressed in the first quote, we are open to knowing that there is a reason behind every destructive emotion and when we can sit with this insight utmost compassion is what flows forth. 

..............................

To read more go to: Spiritual Diet  Spiritual Diary # 1  Spiritual Diary # 2
Spiritual Diary # 3  Spiritual Diary # 4 Spiritual Diary # 5

Spiritual Diary #1: Smile

My first spiritual diet lesson is to consciously smile. In the book Peace is Every Step, Thich Nhat Hanh says smiling helps us approach the day with gentleness and understanding. I remember trying this when I was a teenager. Back then, I had read somewhere that 15minutes of smiling continuously every morning made you a happier and more pleasant person to be with. When I was 16 I was definitely not a pleasant person to be with. Ask my mom. I was the quintessential teenage rebel with a frown on my face and questions in my heart. I was always angry and irate. So when I read that piece of instruction to smile I decided to take it up as a challenge. I remember waking up early and smiling continuously for 15 minutes while i took a shower. It ended in a jaw ache, I tell you and I stayed as irate as ever.

Does my baby foot make you smile?

Today though, I feel profoundly grateful for the simple advice . In fact I find myself knowing what he means when he says smiling brings gentleness and understanding into our lives.In his book, Thich Nhat Hanh asks us to have reminders in our everyday life to help us smile, say you look at your clock, it should remind you to smile. You can have a flower or a quote on your desk/on a wall to remind you to smile. 

My reminder to smile has been the face of my little baby girl. When I read what the author had to say, I just had to think back on all the moments when a smile from Anika got me to smile as well. Today, I made a conscious effort to acknowledge how I felt every time I smiled. This awareness about smiling helped spread awareness in everything I did. Every time I got angry I became aware of it, every time I yelled today, I became aware of it. Awareness certainly helped me adjust my perspective. Does smiling plunge you into gentleness and understanding? What does smiling do for you?

I leave you with a meditative tag from Nhat Hanh's book:

Breathing in, I calm my body.

Breathing out, I smile.

Dwelling in the present moment,

I know this is a wonderful moment! 


Here's what spiritual dieting is and why I am going on one.

..............................

To read more go to: Spiritual Diet  Spiritual Diary # 1  Spiritual Diary # 2
Spiritual Diary # 3  Spiritual Diary # 4 Spiritual Diary # 5