Today is one of those days. I woke up next to my little one who
was also beginning to wake. Because it was early and because she had slept late
last night, I knew from previous experience that if I didn't activate her she
would go back to sleep. But here was my husband, who woke up along with us
today and was thrilled to see that our little one was waking. He cooed to her,
kissed her and began to talk to her. Anika was enjoying it but I was upset. I
told my husband not to activate her, that she needed her sleep and she would go
back to sleep if she was left to herself. I regretted this soon as I said it.
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| Photo: Charlotte Community of Mindfulness |
Thus began my morning, with a 'no!' on my lips and regret on my
mind. I wanted it to go away because that's not what a mindful person wakes up
with. Unfortunately, I couldn't shake off the feeling that germinated within me
and I just went about my morning's spiritual practice with a cloud in my head.
The feeling grew larger and wilder when I 'had' to hurry my
practice, take care of some chores and put my baby back to sleep and it
culminated in the most unmindful outburst at my mother. Of course, at the end
of it my loop of regret and anger at myself only got reinforced. I sat for my
afternoon practice of meditation and saw that I was pushing a part of
myself away, like an adult who shushes a child who only knows how to cry when
her needs are not met. This imagery instantaneously roused compassion in my
heart for the part I was pushing away. So okay, I was angry, I was upset and I
was grouchy. I sat with the feeling without trying to decipher who did what to
make me go bonkers. The meditation didn't leave me feeling great but I was able
to step out of the cycle somewhat and by my evening practice I felt mindful
enough to let go.
Why am I sharing this detail? I've just begun to appreciate how immensely
important these bad days are in teaching me about myself and about
the world around me. We talk about greed, about discrimination, about
inequality and about how it is all rests in our hearts. These dark feelings
germinate and stay within us much like my anger, dissatisfaction and regret.
Often these feels go on to hurt someone else. We hurt our family with our harsh
words, we hurt our mother earth with our unmindful deeds and we hurt each other
and ourselves with our discriminatory treatment towards one another. Most of
all we hurt ourselves. Our anger, greed, fear, insecurity gets reinforced when
we try to push it away or try to eliminate it by taking it out on someone else.
I don't mean to say we should stop it right away. I tried pushing my anger and
it went nowhere. It reinforced itself with every other aspect of my day. What I
do mean to point out though, is that what you see on the outside germinates from
within. Not being mindful at the start of my day made me look at everything
through that lens. Everything seemed unacceptable, including myself.
My anger towards hate crimes is justified, my anger towards
inequalities is further justified, hey! I am a brown woman from a developing
country I know what it is to be discriminated against. But this anger that's
arising in me, can i just sit with it? Just sit with the anger and not with
what happened to anger me. Can I sit with it and accept it? Can I breathe
through it and gain a broader perspective? Is there a child within that is
being shushed? Whatever it be, understanding the source of our darkness
and another persons behavior from this place of accepting our anger (or
darkness for that matter)can help us break out of the cycle of hate. I am
hopeful about that. What might germinate from understanding is mindful action.
I would have woken up with with my husband and baby and spend the early hours
of the morning in the cocoon of love that was generated by Anika's smile and my
husband's delight.
You loose an opportunity to love, understand and partake in growth
and joy when you act from a place of anger, fear, insecurity, greed-from a
place of un-mindfulness. You also gain love, understanding and joy from this
same place if you can accept it, breathe and practice in some mindful
activities.
I hope to notice my anger, my greed, my jealousy, my darkness, to
see how it manifests within me and outside of me, I hope to take that
opportunity to teach me a new way of being. That is activism to me.
