I bow to the darkness within.
*****
It feels like a cloud of negativity has been floating around in my head. I am confronted with a darkness that I could conveniently ignore before. But not now. As I go deeper into my spiritual diet I feel darkness than light. Old wounds or rather unresolved conflicts seem to open up inside me and every time I sit I gape into the wound that has opened up. It's sore, it's burning and it's uneasy.
*****
It feels like a cloud of negativity has been floating around in my head. I am confronted with a darkness that I could conveniently ignore before. But not now. As I go deeper into my spiritual diet I feel darkness than light. Old wounds or rather unresolved conflicts seem to open up inside me and every time I sit I gape into the wound that has opened up. It's sore, it's burning and it's uneasy.
The broken relationships, the angry words, worry about the future, the flitting hopelessness, they are all sitting on my chest and the back of my head. I recite "breathing in I calm my thoughts, breathing out I am serene" I am momentarily calmed but the thought comes back like a big black cloud. What do I do with you thoughts? How do resolve you? How do I make peace with you? These questions keep gnawing at me. Restlessness gets the better of me. I feel the need to resolve now.
I feel restlessness during my meditation practice, I seem to nod off more during the day, am I avoiding my big bad cloud? And yet I sit, I sit with the deep belief that seems to pervade within: this moment is exactly as it should be. Pushing away my darkness has never helped me resolve it, in fact putting it away for later has only eaten me up even more and yet a part of me seems to be doing that. I don't want to face regrets, or anger or worry.
Amazingly enough, as I sit everyday with my feelings, I become one with them. It's as if that part of me which was pushing away regret, anger and worry( for a more sublime state of being) was finally seeing that carrying emotions from the past and for the future was only human, it was in fact a part of being whole. There wasn't a thing I needed to do about it other than watch it and embrace it, as I would an innocent child. I smile at the dawning of some light within me as I continue to sit.
As I learn to bow to the darkness within I seek to understand what I push away so I can embrace every part of me, every part of the universe.
Spiritual Diary # 3 Spiritual Diary # 4 Spiritual Diary # 5
Amazingly enough, as I sit everyday with my feelings, I become one with them. It's as if that part of me which was pushing away regret, anger and worry( for a more sublime state of being) was finally seeing that carrying emotions from the past and for the future was only human, it was in fact a part of being whole. There wasn't a thing I needed to do about it other than watch it and embrace it, as I would an innocent child. I smile at the dawning of some light within me as I continue to sit.
As I learn to bow to the darkness within I seek to understand what I push away so I can embrace every part of me, every part of the universe.
..............................
To read more go to: Spiritual Diet Spiritual Diary # 1 Spiritual Diary # 2Spiritual Diary # 3 Spiritual Diary # 4 Spiritual Diary # 5
I seem to not want to go there. My Pandora's box has been locked tight and dark thoughts automatically get sealed in it.
ReplyDeleteI would not know what to do with them. Your post left butterflies in my stomach - a sign that the dark thoughts aren't as well hidden as I assumed.
Loving this series of yours.
Very nice post. The body and mind know more about how to restore themselves to wholeness than you or I may be willing (or humble enough) to concede. On a lighter note, if there is one virtue in me that I am really proud of, it has to be my humility!!
ReplyDeleteThis experiment of yours is really turning out to be very inspiring and thought provoking. My guess (from my own behavior) is that a lot of readers might be coming back to catch up on your journey. Maybe once you have got a few of these posts up, you can think of putting them up as a separate page with links and a small description of each entry.
Hey Prathama, Thanks for liking the post. I think that's been the issue all along. What do we do with our dark thoughts? I am learning to sit it with and be okay with it without having to do something about it. Its tough but really valuable a lesson for me, i think.
ReplyDeleteHi Subhorup,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my blogspace! Thanks so much your reading. I totally agree with what you say about the body and mind knowing how to restore us to wholenss.I think humility allows for that to happen for sure. Humility-the 'please reveal myself to me' attitude helps me understand my darkness.
thanks again for reading!
FYI- I truly got hooked to your blog!
I bow to the darkness within
ReplyDelete- this touches me deeply as we explore greatness,
thank you Aarathi!