Intolerable me

Ever felt you couldn’t tolerate something so much that you were not thinking straight anymore? Ever felt so angry you found yourself doing the most unlikely of things? Or maybe unrequited love drove you bonkers? Or perhaps you were so grief stricken you couldn’t move, let alone think?
Studies on memory and emotions suggests that information that is dramatic or evokes emotional reactions may be a potent source of what is known as mental contamination – a process in which our judgments, emotions, or behavior are influenced by mental processing that is not readily under our control. Specifically, studies suggest that information that evokes emotional reactions may be especially likely to produce mental contamination because emotional reactions are diffuse in nature and tend to trigger thought that is not careful, rational, or analytic. Therefore, one could safely assume that situations that cause emotional reactions, of anger, rage, sadness, disappointment, grief, fear, and so forth, often suggests something about us and how we are feeling. But it is never quite the complete picture.

I’m sure you have been there and felt that. Take, for instance, my situation: when my husband is angry and upset that I have been spending a lot of time at work and that we have been spending lesser and lesser time together as a result, we get ourselves into these fights that don’t make sense. He begins his monologue about how he is the only husband (possibly the only one in India) that allows his wife to do any/everything she wants. And my feministic side blows up! I tell him how I don’t care about him and what he or his race (the male race) think, but that it’s a free world and I will choose to do whatever I please.

Consider this other interesting piece of research on mood congruence effects on memory: when we are in a bad mood we notice and remember negative information. Hence, it is especially during fights like the one I described that, I remember how my husband “always” wants me to be at his beck and call, and serve him like all Indian men do of their wives. I remember how he “never” gets that there’s more to working than just earning money and that we will “always” have a difference of opinion where my work is concerned.

Obviously, mood congruence effect also suggests that when we are in a good mood we often notice and remember positive information about our environment. So when I am all in love, Vasanth, my husband, is the most open minded and wonderful man on earth and I couldn’t have asked for more!

Of course, when Vasanth and I are calmer and more mindful we know for a fact that we indeed couldn’t ask for more. We love each other’s company and enjoy our fights (mostly 30 minutes after) as much as we do our silences. But like the research suggests we are not always connected to our “higher selves” especially when our emotions rattle us.

What might be some things this research can teach us about wellness and emotional wellbeing in our daily lives? Clearly, it goes to say that acting from a place of intolerable emotion can be a dangerous thing. That, it would serve well to connect with our higher self- one that includes our executive brain functioning and not just the limbic system of our brain (which is said to be the emotion center in humans) But how do we that? How do we reduce negative emotions so that we can remember from a balanced place? Here are some things I do and some that psychologists recommend:

1. Learn to sooth and relax yourself: Using your five senses of sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch often allows your heart to beat more slowly and your blood pressure to reduce so that your body no longer feels like it’s in a state of constant emergency of emotion. As a result, it will become easier for your brain to think of healthier ways to cope with your problems too. These activities are meant to bring a small amount of peace in your life so if they don’t help or makes things worse, don’t do it. Try something else. Here are some self soothing activities:

Self Soothing using your Sense of Smell:• Burn scented candles or incense in your room or house. Find a scent that’s pleasing to you
• Bake your own food that has a pleasing smell, like chocolate chip cookies
• Buy fresh-cut flowers or seek out flowers in your neighborhood
• Hug someone whose smell makes you feel calm

Self Soothing using your Sense of Vision• Go through magazines and books to cut out pictures that you like. Make a collage of them to hang up on your wall or keep some of them with you in your handbag or walled to look at when your away from home
• Go to the bookstore and find a collection of photographs or paintings that you find relaxing such as the nature photographs of Ansel Adams. Heres a picture thats on my desktop. Its from a trip to New Zealand with my family. We drove to Glenorchy and it was a beautiful day and we got someone of the best pictures! Choosing something personal is a wonderful idea too!
• Carry a photograph of someone you love, someone you find attractive or someone your admire

Self Soothing using your Sense of Hearing
• Listen to soothing music.
• Listen to books on tape or compact discs.
• Turn on the television and just listen. Find a show that’s boring or sedate, not something that’s just going to get you angry. Make sure you turn the volume down to a level that’s not too loud and just watch it.

Self Soothing using your Sense of Taste• Enjoy your favorite meal, whatever it is. Eat it slowly so you can enjoy the way it tastes.
• Carry lollipops or gum, or other candy with you to eat when you are feeling upset
• Drink something soothing such as tea, coffee or hot chocolate. Practice drinking it slowly so you can enjoy the way it tastes
• Suck on an ice cube or an ice pop, especially if you’re feeling warm and enjoy the taste as it melts in your mouth

Self Soothing using your Sense of Touch
• Carry Something soft or velvety in your pocket to touch when you need to, like a piece of cloth.
• Take a hot or cold shower and enjoy the feelings of the water falling on your skin
• Take a warm bubble bath or a bath with scented oils and enjoy the soothing sensations on your skin.
• Get a massage. If you are uncomfortable with touch you could get a traditional Japanese shiatsu massage or a thai massage that simply require you to wear loose fitting clothes. A shoulder massage can be done without removing your clothes or massage yourself
• Play with your pet.
• Wear your most comfortable clothes like your favorite worn-in T-Shirt, baggy sweat suit or old jeans.

2. I often remind myself that I am my emotions, thoughts, feelings, and behavior -all put together and more. So it’s never just one emotion that defines me, or one logical thought.

3. I act out my emotions in a safe space; typically around people who realize # 2 about themselves and me. When its fights with my husband, I retort back but we both also take a break from each other while I talk to a friend, sibling or a parent.

4. I practice patience with myself. I remind myself that I am limited by my emotion/logic right now and I take the time and space to see a bigger picture. Here are some things I normally do to tolerate my distress:
• Practice yoga
• Go for a walk on a treadmill or around a jogging track
• Take a bath
• Practice breathing meditations or pranayama
• Go on to my terrace and watch the city in silence
• Cry
• Talk to a friend
• Write
• Go to a spa
• Take a break and visit my parents
• Chat with my sister
• Practice Reiki
• Read fiction novels

Try some new self-soothing techniques. Making them a part of your everyday life increases the chances that you can practice it with ease when you are feeling overwhelming emotions. Allow yourself an opportunity to experience wellness every day. What are some things you do? What self soothing activity would you like to try from the list above? Add more to the list as well!




Reference:
Matthew Mc Kay, Jeffery C. Wood and Jeffrey Brantley: The DBT Skills Workbook
Baron: Psychology