The black, the white and the shades of marriage

7th January 2011 was my wedding anniversary. The night before, my husband had to remind me about what was special about the 7th. I had forgotten until then! He said it was a good thing, that it meant I had stopped keeping count and had settled into forever-after. I liked that. I’ve been married 6 years now. It’s not a long time for some but for a few it might be. I have known my husband for almost 12 years in all, now see that’s a whole lot longer for anyone to settle into forever after, wouldn’t you think? A couple of friends and I went out for dessert at lunch and suddenly while enjoying yummy dessert I had a pantomime mic (courtesy, one of my friends) ask me how marriage had been and if there were words of advice I would give to recently married and engaged women. That inspired me to think about my marriage, think about all the things I love and don’t about being married and our adjustments, compromises, agreements and disagreements. So here go some of my thoughts:

1. Gradually in marriage you move from an ego-centric place to acknowledging that your spouse has opinions, thoughts and ideas of his own-for the marriage, for himself and for you. Don’t be surprised!

2. Distance is definitely healthy in a marriage. If you have the space to think about it you might just realize how blessed you are to be in the marriage and how glad you are to also get distance. Embrace it!

3. Marriage is certainly not simple. Anything but. It has its nights and days of completely disliking your spouse, of getting annoyed at everything about him, of not being sure why you were married, of bitching about him with your girlfriends and mom. But, that’s just normal. I can bet I have felt dislike for every person I love, at one point or the other. Love and hate co-exist and I don’t see how this is any different from any other kind of hating/loving.

4. I remember comparing the-living-with-the-in-laws type to caged animals (myself included). Not in a bad way at all. In the book ‘Life of Pi’ the author sheds some light on animals in zoo. Says he that, it is not true that animals hate living in the zoo, that the only animals that escape the zoo are those that are not given their own clean and clear boundaries. Who are not respected with the space that belongs to them, these are the animals that flee and/or accidently while fleeing kill the zoo owner. The lesson to take from here is, regardless of who feels caged (the daughter-in-law or the MIL), what is necessary is boundaries in that relationship and minimal interference from the zoo authorities to live relatively happily!

5. There will be times when your husband wants something, and wants it bad and you? You don’t really care if you have it right now, or you don’t think you are ready for it yet. It could be anything, a baby, a supersonic bike, a trip somewhere with you when you have no time to spare, what do you do? Obviously talking is out of the question; he wants it and wants it bad, really, if you can talk some sense go right ahead. But I have come to believe, if I am not feeling so strongly about something he wants, or I am conflicted, it might help to go with the flow and follow his gut since yours is not ringing major alarm bells anyway. And who knows, it might result in something wonderful and a whole new side of your husband for a few months at the least.

6. Every time I attend a wedding, or there is one at home, I am deeply, deeply grateful that I am married and don’t EVER have to repeat it, EVER. Ofcourse, you get to be the prettiest woman at your wedding and all that but Indian marriages take the juice out of you. I remember not having much autonomy or comprehension of the wedding rituals, how I tie my saree (madusar by the way) or what kind of non-armor –like garland I can wear. I loved that I was the center of attention but seriously, three or four days of wedding is not the end of all the wedding grandiosity. It goes on for months…and months. So enjoy the one time only affair that is the wedding and be done.

7. Talking about newly married’s, my in-laws certainly were in for a culture shock, brining me home (as was I ofcourse) so for those who may have my kind of grand entry, stay put and hopefully six years after they get used to your quirkiness. Even if they don’t then, that’s ok ,you both will find a middle path that Buddha suggested was so important.

8. It has taken me a long time to know this in my marriage, let just a pinch of feminist remain in you and throw most of the salt out. Why? In my marriage, I’ve known my husband to be as much a feminist as I am so what is really important is to shed the social norm ideology that makes us and begin to build a twosome relationship as two individuals. So, “you think, just because I am your “wife” I should fold your clothes?” goes out the window. What comes in is “ahh, let me do something good for him (even if it is cleaning his shelf out, especially after he requested you to)”.

9. Building a home with your husband is the funest part of all. You might be the best at home decoration but serendipitously (since I have such less time with work and all) I have found that letting the hubby in on what’s out there unleashes the interior-decorator-beast in him.

10. You and your husband ought to have different hobbies and interests. It helps to explore the others interests, like for me I am now a gym freak as much as I thought I couldn’t. And him? Didn’t I already say, he’s as much a feminist as I am.

11. One of the best things about being married is the unlimited hugs, kisses and cuddling available at your disposal. As for me, it’s never quite enough and I always enjoy the affection we share.

12. Another thing I totally love, is how, every time my hubby goes to the store he always gets me something. And often it’s something I am craving for! If you share a telepathic instinct thing with your husband keep it going and appreciate every small gesture with that genuine affectioning.

13. I have concluded that if my husband has a complaint about my parents and/or if my parents have a complaint about my husband then what they really want is each other’s loving (that they aren’t getting right now) as for me, I have both people that love me.

So there! Thirteen things in no order of importance that come to mind after some easy pondering. Do share some of your thoughts about being in a relationship. And settle into forever with delight because there is so much that can be found in a lifetime together.