And my baby's here!!

At 20 weeks I felt her kick for the first time, it’s called quickening one of my baby books told me. I wasn’t sure if it was my stomach rumbling or it was really her. It felt like a heartbeat, but only, in the stomach. It gradually became more apparent and I was sure it really was her. My baby was letting me know she was there, experiencing everything that I was, in her own unique way. I announced to the world (made up of my family and some very dear friends, and now, literally the whole world) that I could really feel her. No it was not gas, no it was not my pulse throbbing somewhere in my belly, it was my baby kicking. She was there, real flesh and blood and real feelings and real presence. My munchkin, as I call her, finally let me know she was not going to be a quiet presence in my life; she wanted me to know that she was there and that I better take note.

And take note, I did. I have realized that I am going to keep uncovering the reality of her being, her unique presence at every stage of our lives together. And today as I think about her and feel her kick and swim in me I am profoundly amazed, scared and blown away. I find myself wrapped in her love, her courage and perseverance. I am scared of the changes that come upon me. Will I know what to do? Who am I now? What happens now? The answer lies in the opening up of my true nature, the blossoming of a bud, almost, to a world of greater love, patience, balance and gratitude. I am also gratified by my experience of right now, the right now where I can carry my baby with me everywhere I go, the right now where I can feel her tell me about herself in ways I can only infer at the most. It is this right now that I love because it gives me an opportunity to be grateful to this universe that created us, one after another. In all, I am grateful to the whole universe from the beginning of time for giving me this day, to write and experience my baby, my little munchkin baby who swims within me in bliss and patience awaiting the many wonders her worlds has in store for her.

It is so natural to be scared during this process and letting go and embracing the unknown in order to overcome my fears seems to be my obvious coping plan. When I worry about my identity I am reminded that I can only begin to enlarge my sense of being rather than become shrunk by the changes. I think about what I learn every day through this process. I remind myself to:
 Calm my senses once in a while to feel all that I am feeling
 Listen to what my heart is truly saying, what tricks my mind is playing and I learn to embrace both of them at once
 Smile more often than not
 Become the unchanging sky that can watch the clouds of reaction and not be shaken by it
 Embrace fear so I can overcome it
 Let love empower me and overflow outward
 Watch how previous relationships take on a new flavor, shape and form
There is so much happening that sometimes I wish I can capture it in video. My first Lamaze class, for instance, was such a thrill. It was the first time ever that my husband and I went to a class together. It was an opportunity for me to realize how alike we are, he kept criticizing parents (in his head, and with me) who began to consider their health only now, he kept making fun of one thing or the other and we couldn’t stop giggling! We also found so many things amazing and we concurred on such similar things, I couldn’t help but beam with admiration for him.

As I move along on this path, there are many days I feel everything’s going to go well and a few of them when I panic and call my parents or talk to my husband, sounding completely frantic. It is amazing how every moment of our life offers us the opportunity to just feel and wonder about where it all springs from. I wish I could say we all should be grateful for life’s gifts but it seems more sensible to say that it is moments like these that remind you be grateful for life as it is.