I know this boulder sitting on my chest only too well. And why not? I see it once a fortnight, give or take. Its like meeting an estranged someone from the past. Never comfortable ever queasy, you want to bolt but here you are sitting in the same theater watching the same movie you bought tickets for.
The feeling of complete desolation washes over me. In an effort to switch mind states I put on my running shoes and hit the asphalt. Can I pulverize this boulder just by running? I don't know but I want to give it a try. The background is a blur, its just me and the road and that stray mongrel and a pile of garbage a mile away. I try not to check-in to see if I feel like shit anymore but my mind retracts and comes back to tell me that I probably need to run harder. I could never run hard on the road, without a number indicating how fast I am going and how long I will be on it. So I run towards the gym and get on the treadmill to run till my focus moves into my body.
There is that huge rock still sitting on my chest, wait, is it smaller by any chance? My chest heaves hard and I try to suck in more air from my mouth. I hold on to the railing of the machine and let my legs do the running. I can feel my calf muscles hurt, my abdomen squeeze in pain and my palms sweat. Can I run harder? I try. Two minutes later I come back to a sprint. There you are boulder. So, ok, you can stay. I am going to let you sit on me for as long as you please. With that, I hit the "up" button and begin to run again. This time I run without a thought, a care and a cause.
I take that sense of desolation along and get home finally. Only now, it feels like I've made space for its presence, guess that's why I needed to run, not to hurl it out of my system but to make place for it. Packed neatly in a corner now, it sits and watches for moments and events where it can hulk up and ache. For now though it leaves me be, so I can focus on the right now that is calming in its own way.
The feeling of complete desolation washes over me. In an effort to switch mind states I put on my running shoes and hit the asphalt. Can I pulverize this boulder just by running? I don't know but I want to give it a try. The background is a blur, its just me and the road and that stray mongrel and a pile of garbage a mile away. I try not to check-in to see if I feel like shit anymore but my mind retracts and comes back to tell me that I probably need to run harder. I could never run hard on the road, without a number indicating how fast I am going and how long I will be on it. So I run towards the gym and get on the treadmill to run till my focus moves into my body.
There is that huge rock still sitting on my chest, wait, is it smaller by any chance? My chest heaves hard and I try to suck in more air from my mouth. I hold on to the railing of the machine and let my legs do the running. I can feel my calf muscles hurt, my abdomen squeeze in pain and my palms sweat. Can I run harder? I try. Two minutes later I come back to a sprint. There you are boulder. So, ok, you can stay. I am going to let you sit on me for as long as you please. With that, I hit the "up" button and begin to run again. This time I run without a thought, a care and a cause.I take that sense of desolation along and get home finally. Only now, it feels like I've made space for its presence, guess that's why I needed to run, not to hurl it out of my system but to make place for it. Packed neatly in a corner now, it sits and watches for moments and events where it can hulk up and ache. For now though it leaves me be, so I can focus on the right now that is calming in its own way.
Pain I am told is an indicator, a pointer, a sign that tells you you are off your route, and needs to be honored for what it brings. Some pain sits in its place forever, till you notice it only if you laugh too hard or are having too good a time. Some pain is not pain, but just fools you into thinking it is. Some pain is just a door that you needed to open but were too lazy to. Enjoyed this post, and found you on Indiblogger too!
ReplyDeleteWow - you hit the nail on the head Aarathi! Beautifully written!
ReplyDeleteAt times, it feels like the only emotion I ever have day in and day out is pain. Pain- irrespective of what the source is - envy, disappointment, irritation, resent, guilt, anger - everything seems to manifest itself only as a deep pulling pain.
And there is no escape, no distraction and finally I give in and let it stay - not so much out of choice but because leaving it alone seems less tiring than trying to take it out in vain.
Pain has a way of engulfing and filling all the wrong spaces. Liked your allusion.
ReplyDeletethe mind gives out before the body does.
ReplyDeleteAwesome post...
ReplyDeleteI ca say and term pain as a common byproduct for both success and failure !
Dee..
I feel like its presence at one point in my life was comforting. Cause it meant I could still feel, you know? Otherwise life has a tendency to make you numb and insensitive. To me, pain is that emotion that makes things real. (boy is that a twisted connotation of the emotion)
ReplyDeleteBut in fairness, I have never liked it to stay, or invited it to settle. But that need to 'run' is one I am too familiar with. And often, I just run. Pointlessly and mindfully aware that the running does little except postpone that state of my mind.
Thanks all for such wonderful comments! I love how a piece like this taps into each of our beliefs and inner lives. I agree with most everything said here. Pain is so many things and takes so many forms, it keeps you alive at times and really makes youb"feel" at others, like anonymous said. I feel that it is an inevitable part of life-right there in so many guises-like Subho mentioned. Part of my mindfulness practice is to let it be. To invite it to stay, even if after trying hard to oust it and even if it is because of perceived loss of choices, like Sinduja says. Thanks for reading :-)
ReplyDeleteYou have the coolest and awesome way of conveying things yaar ! I remembered this song while reading your blog and downloaded it and heard it ;) (http://www.raaga.com/player4/?id=22362&mode=100&rand=0.6514954068697989) Raahi Manwa dhuk ki chinta kyun satati hai, dhuk to apna saati hai! I love you too much :*
ReplyDeleteAt first I commented after reading your blog and after that I read all those comments and your response. I assumed you are only referring to the emotional feeling of desolation whereas most other readers took it as physical pain. The latter is of course just a crystallization of the former in a different state of being. Its easier to deal with physical pain rather than emotional pain (you can pop a painkiller).
ReplyDeleteI have had innumerable experiences of sitting through unbearably severe pain by just being in So-Ham (only focused on breath in and breath out) for a couple of hours and being completely relieved of the pain. From my personal experience I can say that there is nothing called Pain that is external and caused by something outside. Pain is only an internal tightening up (may be voluntary or involuntary, that is conscious or unconscious) and you only need to learn to loosen up and the pain would vanish completely. But that learning to loosen up is almost next to impossible and needs long long practice in meditation / awareness. I sense that you have begun this journey and wish you lots of patience and persistence to enable you to see the other side of pain :-)
@ appi: thanks appisa for the compliment :D That song is cool:-) That was a cool observation and add on to the post appi. I hadn't figured that some comments from the readers took the "pain" i was alluding to as physical pain. Thanks for the blessings :-)
ReplyDelete