Day 6:{Writer Girl} Breaking Resistance

"The more resistance you experience, the more important your

unmanifested art/project/enterprise is to you - and the more

gratification you will feel when you finally do it."

-Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

How we choose our calling is still a mystery to me. Yes, yes, in the day and age of Myers-Brigg's, aptitude tests and everything else under the sun a clinical psychologists like me can give you a fair idea of what your calling may be. Yet, this personal journey we dive into, this journey of introspection, discovery, intention, creation and success, this journey is a mystery. Each of us will have our own story to tell. Each of them with depth and lessons learnt from failures and accomplishments. 

The journey though is adorned with a good splattering of resistance. Our journey to reach our goals is just not as gratifying if we haven't met and surpassed our internal resistances. Yes, I believe this. And I am experiencing it right now. Three weeks ago I bought myself a 30 X 40 canvass. My first. I felt courageous and brave. I wanted to take the risk and jump in and see where it leads, this play with the blank canvass. The first layer was glorious, I was having fun with it, I loved the colors that came together and I felt at one with the piece I was making. 

First Layer 

I kept going because I wanted to. Slowly the voices within began to say that I could come up with something cooler, and beautiful. That's when I got stuck. While painting out the second layer, I was aware of this voice and yet trotted on. I said to myself that I will go with the flow but slowing I began disliking the flow, it didn't look pretty, it was in no way cooler than what I began with. I marched on and said to myself that it was okay. Then, my canvass started to see some mud. I began to panic. Oh gosh! I don't know anything about painting, why am I making the effort to paint, that too on such a large canvass! said my voices. The voices began to grow louder. That's when I washed my brushes and put aside my paints. I had become disconnected with myself. I had begun to see myself as separate from my calling. From what I truly love.  

Meeting Resistance

This is just the journey of my resistance with my canvass. I know that if I can pick up my brushes and stay with what the moment asks of me I will flow into and out of this aversion-greed-delusion triad. But I am still feeling the resistance.I have been in this place with my painting, with my writing and with any goal I have sought to reach. 

This is our journey. Resistance knocks us in the head and demands that we stop talking to ourselves so harshly, it tells us to shed our notions of being a certain separate self and challenges us to look beyond our narrow definitions of ourselves. It helps us look at our need for more and makes us look directly into the now. The journey in and out of resistance is not an easy one of course. We can stay here, for as long as we choose (that's resistance for you!) or we can just do it. Just go for it and see where it leads. And most often than not, it gets to the goal you set up for yourself.  

What doubts, hatred, wants and delusions riddle you? What are you resisting? 

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"Writer Girl: 42 Days of Exercises to Deepen Your Faith in Your Ability and Your Purpose for Writing" by Robin Norgren  is a wonderful book to begin to trust in my ability to write and to uncover my purpose for writing. I am going to do this. Yes, For 42 days. 
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