It is one of those days again, voices of judgement and reprimand rise from within like high tides from tepid, calm waters. Try as hard as I may, I come to this place every now and then. This place that belongs to the critic in me. This place that bubbles up feelings of dismay and sadness, of tears and wordless bewilderment.
"what is happening? What should I do to feel better? How should I change the way I live?" often leads itself to writing...and then what? I know that for me, the answer lies in the present moment. But its not just the present moment. It also lies in discerning what my present moment needs and does not. It is a process of trying and trying again, coming back to the present moment with discernment, again and again without judgement about failed attempts, without harsh words thrown at others and myself. And that is what seems unendingly hard on some days.
A few posts ago, I talked about beginning to uncover the critic within. I spoke about the beginning of an intentional journey into understanding her, this critic within. This person that tells me time and time again that I should do more and be more. This critic that tirelessly tells me that I am anxious, I am tired, I am not fully present, I am multitasking, and so forth and that I should be some other way, more calm, energetic, present and focused. Noble but harsh, very harsh in expectation.
This is why I write now. To acknowledge this harshness with gentleness.
To acknowledge that it is practice, practice and practice. All life is practice without an expectation of a perfect end result. Today sucks, tomorrow doesn't, day after does, and the next day does too and all of it is time to practice. A practice to hold any kind of day with gentle openness, to hold harshness with gentle openness and to practice gentleness with myself, for that is what will help in practice with others.
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"what is happening? What should I do to feel better? How should I change the way I live?" often leads itself to writing...and then what? I know that for me, the answer lies in the present moment. But its not just the present moment. It also lies in discerning what my present moment needs and does not. It is a process of trying and trying again, coming back to the present moment with discernment, again and again without judgement about failed attempts, without harsh words thrown at others and myself. And that is what seems unendingly hard on some days.
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| Resting in the present moment |
This is why I write now. To acknowledge this harshness with gentleness.
To acknowledge that it is practice, practice and practice. All life is practice without an expectation of a perfect end result. Today sucks, tomorrow doesn't, day after does, and the next day does too and all of it is time to practice. A practice to hold any kind of day with gentle openness, to hold harshness with gentle openness and to practice gentleness with myself, for that is what will help in practice with others.
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How interesting that we seem to be having a similar experience with not being "good enough"! :) I like what you say about being gentle with ourselves so that we may be gentle with others... Lovely photo too :)
ReplyDeleteI thought the exact same thing when I read your post!Your post was right on top of my list on the blogroll just after I published this one and I thought we were perhaps writing around the same time (in different parts of the world) too!
DeleteThanks Chritine :-)
Hi there Yes I know the feeling. And I too often write it out. but I also try to ALWAYS do affirmation. I know they are obvious and a bit cheesey and a bit of a cliche but....they do work. So when I am under attack by the internal critic and judge I fight back with my faithful sword of affirming how wonderful I am. I do it OTT - I do it like a crazy person - I sing them - I write them - I do them in such a way that I usually end up smiling and finding some middle way. At the moment I too am doing morning yoga and part of the routine is to stroke my body and massage it all over telling it how much I love it and am grateful. This is from someone who has hated her body for as long as I remember - but now I appreciate it- it's done the job and kept me going and surely that is good enough?
ReplyDeletelove and a hug to you
Kate x
Dear Kate, Hi! and thanks for that lovely lovely message. I agree, affirmations are wonderful, I use them too but not as often as I should. Continually coming back to this practice of self care is so important, isnt it?
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