Its 4:30 in the afternoon now and I have some quiet time in
the house, after my morning rituals of cooking, cleaning, yoga and playing with
my baby. I sit with myself and this word doc to breathe and smile. This morning I had woken up to the nippy cool that
Hyderabad winters offer. I started the coffee maker after placing this morning’s
milk on the double broiler, I then took my cup of hot water, and like I do on
most mornings, I sat on my cane swing watching the Hussain Sagar from afar.
It’s was beautiful morning and my little one was asleep, as was her father. My
moments of silence are truly as pleasurable as my moments of doing.
While being a wife, a mother and a working-woman are all
roles I play with relative ease today, it has come after some stretching and
tugging at my identity. Now, as I sit, playing with my wet hair and drinking
yet another cup of green tea, I smile at the comfort I feel in being at
home-literally and figuratively. I am a
wife, a mother, and a working-woman in this place I call home. Actually, I am
what they call, a ‘house wife’, a ‘full time mother’ and a ‘working woman’. As
I embrace all the stereotypes and identities, I move into another place within
myself. I am not sure how to describe it yet, but it feels like immense
comfort, like chocolate syrup on warm brownie.
I am surprised at
this comfort I feel within my skin. Until five months ago, I was tied in knots
about what would happen to my identity, this sense of self that I hold so dear.
Five months back, I was not yet a mother. I worried about losing my “work self”
I worried about what would become of that person within me that I knew for so
many years. What would happen if I stopped working, if I stop moving forward in
my career, if I did not get another job where I could shine? What would happen
if I just stop studying, working and living as if I just had myself to take
care of? What then? I was met with a blaring silence then and it is this
blaring silence that I have now embraced.
The silence within reflects in this mindfulness about my
day, in not having to rush to work, or to have everything be perfect. The
silence around comes from accepting myself and all the roles I play, it comes
from accepting my body for its stretch marks, the nourishment it provides for
my baby, and for the indications in aches and pains it gives me when forget
about myself. The calmness comes in accepting the limitations and strength of
others and it comes from asking for help and support. The calmness comes in not
wanted to be someone so badly.
I still don’t know how my tomorrow is going to be. I still don’t
know what happens to that career woman inside of me, I don’t know how life will
unfold, but for now I love sitting at my dining table with my laptop on as I
write this. I love getting paid assignments for my writing, I love running to
check on my little one in the cradle, I love watching her smile, play and grow
and I love dusting the house, thanking my maid and staying home for now. A few years back, I was afraid of taking a
break even though I wanted one. I was afraid I would perish if I took a break
to pursue love, mindfulness and comfort. Today, I am afraid no more, because one
thing is for sure, life will give you what you want from it, one-step at a time
and all you need to do is, settle in to enjoy the right now.
