Inviting the Critic

Since last week I have been practicing to say 'yes' as a part of my weekly mindfulness practice. As a result I have been uncovering so many layers of defenses coming to the fore. Most particular of all is this realization that  most of my 'no's', perhaps all of them, come from a place of defensiveness. Of course, some no's are absolute in order to protect oneself but that itself raises the question of 'no's' being a part of our defenses. They are something that protect us. While saying a 'no' might protect us, it does far more damage than what seems to be.

My everyday no's are embedded in habit, in wanting things a particular way and in the sad fact that I am a harsh critic, of myself and others. Being in academia, I have learnt to hone this critic in me, so that I can see what is needed of a situation and do the needful, but I have also found that this critic has slowly spread into other aspects of life. And why not, how you do anything, is how you do everything, remember?

I answered :No!
(Source Times of India:Hyderabad Times 26th May 2012)

This mindfulness practice of saying yes-to life, and others has stripped naked this critic in me, who says 'no' to people she loves, people she doesn't know, situations in her life and situations that happen to other people.

This critic is the one that thrives on gossip. She looks at the life of someone else, the clothes someone else wears, the words someone else says as not good enough, as something that needs improvement. That nothing is ok, just as it is.

The critic in me, last night, mumbled and ran a series of curses in her head when her husband didn't find time to be with the baby, when he chose to go out and spend time with his friends, instead of me. This critic in me automatically answered "no" to the question asked by today's Times of India. This critic is ever present, telling me I cook badly, I get tired easily, and so on.

It might sound like I am now criticizing the critic. However, I am merely observing the critic. Yes, I am uncovering that this critic, she is the one that runs most of my life and that now that I've become aware of her I am not going to kick her out of my life. I am merely going to watch her and see where it goes.

As universe would have it, ever since I began this practice, I have been getting help along the way. Yesterday, I happened to read an amazing post by Stacy Lewis about letting go of the critic within and I was deeply grateful for the lesson on what to do next.

Here is what she says about her inner critic, that absolutely spoke to me:

"It occurs to me that she might need to be seen with compassion so she can learn to see with compassion. It occurs to me that I might know how to help her, now. That we are helping each other already. 

' The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and the habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings." -The Buddha"

This morning, the practice of inviting the critic to a particular aspect of my life became more illuminated when I got this email from Missrepresentation about a week long practice. 

For the next week, let's all make a concerted effort to see women as allies instead of enemies; and let's stop judging other women for their success, their talents or their looks.

Like Stacy, I will keep a journal of all the times I criticize, so that I can come to know this critic and what she is all about. I will place reminders in my house-art work that reminds me to say 'yes'. I will remain open to what comes-criticism, compassion or more and I will watch my thoughts and its ways with utmost care.