Today I was put on the spot to say something, I felt like my friendship with this particular person depended on saying the right thing, not the honest thing but the right thing. I wanted to sound "right", I wanted to sound like I have it all together. Like I am not actually a pot of brewing emotions but a sane wise person who's got it all together. This person always brings out that side of me-the blabbering monkey who doesn't have it together but hopes to one day side. The side that I dislike in me but have a whole pie of it right there in conversations with her. I sound completely lame, and there is usually a drought in my mouth, I am at a loss of words that sound superfluous and together. But really what is one supposed to say when someone after almost seven months asks you "How is motherhood?" other than "its brilliant!" but not me, I want to sound all amazing and wonderful and terse and all-figured-out when this person talks to me (no that's not what she asked to put me on the spot).
Does everyone have these kind of people in their lives? The ones who sound all eloquent and patronizing leaving others feeling like fumbling fools who don't even know what to say about their own lives and their own feelings? Anyway, during this particular conversation with this person, I felt put on spot and when I did feel that I could sense my heart beat a little faster, my hands shake a little and my words becoming gibberish. I felt like it was some kind of test with the telly host holding a big red buzzer waiting to beep me out of the game show. The honest part of me was asleep. So I used my memory of what honest feels like to answer to what she asked and obviously it didn't come out as put-together as I would have liked.
After my conversation with her, as is usual, I came up with some very intelligent, and even witty and insightful things to say and wanted to memorize that for the next time she throws a question up my alley. So that's what I figured out today. I am not at all authentic with this person. She brings out the confusing, inarticulate idiot in me and she makes me jealous with her eloquent speech and patronizing ways. Every time we talk, meet or exchange emails I have a shield up. I protect my "soft spot" so to speak. I try to protect the confused, inarticulate, honest, broken, angry, unmindful, silly, real me. I also realized that I have an agenda with her- to appear perfect. To appear smart, strong, mindful, amazing and power puff like.
I often try to stay away from people who scratch open the darkness in me. Well, you cant avoid the husband, the kid, the parents, sister and the best friends-when they scratch it's okay. But these acquaintances, these "friendly" people who bring out the demons, not so much. But you know what, with some patience with myself I've begun to learn to invite the deadly into my life. So I am calling her for lunch so I can show her this real, inarticulate, honest, unmindful, silly, confused me. So I can show to myself that I am all this not just within my "circle of trust" but with everybody else too. Just so you were wondering, I am very inarticulate, very broken, very stupid, very dense, very dumb, very unmindful and very wrong.
Does everyone have these kind of people in their lives? The ones who sound all eloquent and patronizing leaving others feeling like fumbling fools who don't even know what to say about their own lives and their own feelings? Anyway, during this particular conversation with this person, I felt put on spot and when I did feel that I could sense my heart beat a little faster, my hands shake a little and my words becoming gibberish. I felt like it was some kind of test with the telly host holding a big red buzzer waiting to beep me out of the game show. The honest part of me was asleep. So I used my memory of what honest feels like to answer to what she asked and obviously it didn't come out as put-together as I would have liked.
After my conversation with her, as is usual, I came up with some very intelligent, and even witty and insightful things to say and wanted to memorize that for the next time she throws a question up my alley. So that's what I figured out today. I am not at all authentic with this person. She brings out the confusing, inarticulate idiot in me and she makes me jealous with her eloquent speech and patronizing ways. Every time we talk, meet or exchange emails I have a shield up. I protect my "soft spot" so to speak. I try to protect the confused, inarticulate, honest, broken, angry, unmindful, silly, real me. I also realized that I have an agenda with her- to appear perfect. To appear smart, strong, mindful, amazing and power puff like.
I often try to stay away from people who scratch open the darkness in me. Well, you cant avoid the husband, the kid, the parents, sister and the best friends-when they scratch it's okay. But these acquaintances, these "friendly" people who bring out the demons, not so much. But you know what, with some patience with myself I've begun to learn to invite the deadly into my life. So I am calling her for lunch so I can show her this real, inarticulate, honest, unmindful, silly, confused me. So I can show to myself that I am all this not just within my "circle of trust" but with everybody else too. Just so you were wondering, I am very inarticulate, very broken, very stupid, very dense, very dumb, very unmindful and very wrong.
Recently i had a similar situation alike you...
ReplyDeleteDoes everyone have these kind of people in their lives?
This is what i asked and asking to me...
i find so much of co incidence, except husband and kids part :D
well i can see this post straight from your heart..
can feel that in every word of your last line.
Beautifully expressed !
Hi Deepak, Iam so glad to see your comment. A lot of us have these experiences I guess :-) Glad you could relate to it. Thanks for reading!
DeleteSo well written babe! I loved the way it flows!
ReplyDeleteI think I dont give people who make me feel that way a chance. I shut them out once I realise how I feel, But but but, I think you and some other signs might inspire me to try a different approach!
P.S : dying to know who the person is :-) but I am not asking! Lol!
Hey babe, thanks re. I think there is a lot of humility in facing the "soft spots" of ourselves. Its humbling and OH SO difficult for. But it helps me to see it as accepting the parts of me I keep shoving away. I really want tell you who this is but I don't want to take away from the lesson so Im going to stay put, lips sealed. :-D hehe!
Deleteme2 P ;-)
ReplyDeleteyou want to know who that is? Isnt it enough that you get all the gossip at mum's end and are not even making an effort to share it with me. Go away you dont get any gossip from me :P
Deletehahahaha i know! i think i do atleast... pick up the bloody phone when i call you tomorrow in the morning! ;) :*:*:* nice blog re!
ReplyDelete:p thanks K for!
DeleteVery well written, Aarathi!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to everything you wrote. Yes, I do know some seemingly super-confident and "cool" people with whom I feel the need to shield my dumb self..:-)
Thanks Uma! Glad you know what I mean :-)
DeleteAh! Thank god I am not the only one!
ReplyDeleteI have had such people at every stage in my life and I inevitably end up detesting them - perhaps I am jealous or perhaps I am angry that they put me in such an awkward situation. Great pointers as to how far I am still to go at getting a healthy self-esteem.
I think all I need to do is tell myself that they are not all that perfect and I am not all that imperfect."I often try to stay away from people who scratch open the darkness in me." - well said! I am amazed that you are inviting her voluntarily. This is great attitude. Of course, the psychologist does know best how to kill the demons in our mind. :)
"Great pointers as to how far I am still to go at getting a healthy self-esteem" I like that word, pointers, these people are pointers indeed but I also like to think of them as reflection of a part of myself that I dislike. Thanks for reading.
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