What to do when your baby wants you ALL the time?

I quickly learnt, after the birth of my baby girl, that motherhood is a spiritual path. A path that teaches you a lot about yourself, your cravings, your dislikes, your attachments and love. In the middle of the night when I am pulled away from that deep dreamless state of sleep, when I find myself in all of an instant, holding and kissing, cajoling and singing to my little girl, I know that I’ve once again fought with that deep and eternal craving for “my space”, “my sleep”, “my world”. I moved out of that box into a world of love, of the other, of selfless wonderment.  It is not just during these sleepless nights that I realise this, it is during moments of feeding, during moments of shower, moments of cooking, moments of playing with this lovely little being, that I realise I’ve moved away from some perceived version of an independent self, that I have laid to rest that rebellious voice within that demands that my will shall be done. 

And how freeing!

My struggle to become an independent self has seen a few therapist’s offices, self-help books and spiritual retreats. I did succeed in naming something within as “me”. Then came motherhood tapping at my door, telling me to break open from that small room I imprisoned myself in. To break open the notions of who I am, to dwell in the miracle of oneness with another. To think beyond the wrongs done to me, and to think about the healing present in nurturing a child.

Morning coffee-time shared with the little one.
See her little legs between mine?

Yes, I want breaks so I can stall and breathe, I want breaks so I can go back to “my work”, “my life” and “my pursuits” but they all seem to come undone when I do without the consideration of the other.  If I cannot dwell in the joy of soothing my child, if I cannot rest in the quiet of her calm play, then I am not going to be able to work and pursue “my life” come what may.  And if at my core I desire peace, mindfulness, creativity, spontaneity and serendipity I cannot be in a state of constant tug of war to achieve it.  So to mothers who ask me "what should I do when my baby wants to be stuck to me and not go to anyone else”, I would like to say, stay stuck to your baby and don’t let her go to anyone else.  You feel angry, distracted and frustrated that you can’t do other things while you are tending to a needy little baby, I have been there, many times and all I can do to is let go and surrender to the moment that is staring at my face. Let go of my to-do’s, frustrations and attachments and be there in that need of my child.  The world doesn’t come crashing down. I have observed.  And my little box of “me and mine” expands thus.  I steal a few minutes to breathe, shower and eat but the joy in sharing some of these moments with a toddler is not lost on me.

As I see my infant, become a toddler and then a preschooler I see the wisdom in embracing the moments when she wants to just be stuck to me, and not go to anyone else.  I think about my moments of complete despair, during times of sickness and fear and I know I could have been there fully if I knew then that these phases weren’t as permanent as my mind made it out to be.

What do I say to the mother in me that wants out, wants more support, wants the baby to just go to sleep, and wants to go do her thing? I say, never mind that, focus on the now. 

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