Discovering Miracles

When I was single I believed marriage had to be a thought-out decision, something that one should come to after much deliberation, forethought and planning. That went out the window when at 20 I just decided to marry at what seemed like a whim even to me. Then I said to myself, ok marriage was spontaneous but getting pregnant had to ABSOLUTELY be when i was truly ready. Seven years after marriage, I just knew being "ready" was just humbug. How can one be really ready for something they had NO experience of before?The most planned thing about my pregnancy was that we timed our "impregnate me rituals" and there, I was pregnant! There were other things I planned but one of the most important things that came together so beautifully in the birthing of my baby was her place of birth!

At the onset I have to say, I absolutely hate most doctors, especially presumptuous ones who think yelling at the patient or having a Dr. in front of their names should in itself command respect and servitude. Only last week, I yelled back at a pediatrician we went to, in Delhi, for Anika's second round of shots. I will never be seeing her again that's for sure, but I digress...

anyway you can see why finding the right ob/gyn was so important for me. I was recommended one of the most famous hospitals for birthing in my city. What that meant, I only discovered at the first appointment. I was given an appointment for 2pm, and was called in only at 4pm that day given that this famous hospital was so overcrowded. And once I went in, I got merely two minutes of the doctors time and was not even sure if I would see her again for my next appointment. While I know for a fact that many women birth their babies in hospitals where they dont know their ob/gyn until the last few months and have to wait for days on end for appointments and be given two minutes of time for clarifying all their questions, I for one wanted something more.

My search led me into the arms of The Sanctum , the natural birthing center at Healthy mother wellness and care. I learnt that the Healthy Mother Wellness and Care was a birthing center like no other in India! They follow the midwifery model of birthing. It was love at first sight for me. Just as spontaneous as falling in love with my husband, getting married or falling in love with being pregnant.

My eyes welled up in tears the first day I met my midwife. It felt like I finally was in safe hands, I knew at once that this is where my voice would be heard and my body respected and my baby welcomed with love. My midwife actually saw me on scheduled appointments, gave me half an hour of her time everytime we met and I didnt ever feel dumbed down! Now how many of us can say that of our experiences with our ob/gyns?

Anika, my little munchkin was born on the 6th of July 2011. My experience of birthing her has been one of the most profound experiences I have ever had. As a psychologist I often live in my head, only listening to my body when its most imperative. As a woman, my relationship with my body is as confused as this society allows me to be- with "I am fat, I am ugly, I am not good enough" phases that most woman go through now and then. And to add to this, as someone who has had her quota of being molested in public transport in India I have often ignored my body, and never given heed to signs that it gives me, pushing it to work for my mind as often and as optimally as possible. But birthing amidst some of the most strongest women in my life-my mother, my sister, and some of the strongest and brave midwives at The Sanctum I realized there was more to my body than what I was led to believe. That night with my contractions getting stronger and stronger and with sleep competing with my contractions I wanted nothing but sweet release. I wailed for the pain to stop and wailed that I just wanted to sleep. I cried that I could'nt take the pain anymore. With my sister constantly massaging my back and my mother continually feeding me a Bach flower remedy I went into the pain head on. My midwives pleaded me to listen to my body, to allow the pain to envelop me and thereby let my body take control. But this was such an alien concept for me. How does one let the body take control? why would one do that?? In the midst of all the pain I kept telling my midwife, I didnt know what letting my body take control meant, I told her it wasnt happening. That the pain was just going to have to be in my control and not the other way. But, little did i know that a room full of women who believe in you can make you move mountains or atleast can help you deliver that baby.

While I cried some more and pushed a lot more, I couldnt but be so deeply grateful for all the people in that room. I would hug my midwife and plead with her, I would hold her hand and push, I would let my sister massage my back while I pushed and would drink the water my mother offered me now and then. I could squat and push, sit on the wc and push and just lie on the floor in between each contraction. I felt embraced by the people in that room and I felt cradled in their support and knowledge that this was the way it was supposed to be. This was the way it was supposed to be. When it was time and my baby rushed out, the beauty of it and the rush of love I felt in my chest was something I will always remember and savor. My baby was immediately placed in my arms and I fed her right there! and pain? what pain? It was like I never had contractions! All I had was the body of a little baby in my hands with eyes full of wonder and keenness that I have ever seen. From not being able to understand what it meant to let go and listen to my body I went right into it and came out happier than I've ever felt.

A recent study on happiness suggests that how an experience ends either makes that event a happy or a sad one. So having Anika immediately in my hands certainly had to make the experience of labor sweet for me. But I have to say, having a group of women who believed that my body could do this feat, not only led me to have a profound experience of my body but also led to an intimate bond with my baby.

While my relationship with my baby and my body continues to take new turns, I had a lesson on a thing called control. I often catch myself planning, overthinking and plotting my life on a graph that is prescribed by what ought to be in my head and outside of it, and while planning, overthinking and plotting helps, letting go is what really does the trick!