Chance memories

My heart squeezed out regret. I was forgetting, and I hated that. The rustic feel of the cobbled stone path, the color of snow on the dirty streets, the train that would take me crosstown,the smell of the noisy & breathtaking downtown and the taste of my salad bowl with balsamic vinagratte dressing-my memories of then were slowly retracting, bidding me adieu. I beckon my mind to stop. Stop taking my details away. Stop telling me I have no control over the fading details anymore. I shrug and I sigh, I cry and I demand but the details of the past turn into a glob of feelings- of regret, joy, happiness, passion, anger, loss, heartache, love and now a distant reminiscence that I sleep with. My everyday friends, collegues, acquaintances seem so far away portending that I may not experience them in the same way I did while I spent time with them like it would be this forever.

As I struggled with my glob of feelings, the sun came streaming in through the venetian blinds and warmed the cold bed I shuffled in. It was such a welcoming moment, this warm sun proposing a brand new day, it held promises of perfection, of embracing the right now-the dew filled lawn invited me to bare my feet across the patch, a long mindful yoga practice under the blissful bright morning called forth, a cup of grace in coffee and the love of the man I am soul mates with was the icing on the cake. The day had the perfect mix of joy and contentment- ingredients of a perfect weekend. And I remembered my Someone, who once told me that knowing what you want from life's small events was far more functionally precious than knowing what you didn't. I decided to carry my memory glob along but also wanted to make my functionally precious events unwind.

And so I woke up and kissed my sleeping husband's half smiling lips and went out to the backyard he had carefully mowed the day before. The smell of a freshly mowed lawn on a wonderfully warm morning was a delight to my senses. Do you have moments of perfection that are so overwhelming you'd rather call them "just-another moment-of-the-mundane-passing", so that you can just go on living like a "regular" person? I have many moments like that and I wasnt going to leave this one to be one such, it was the weekend after all. I sat down on the porch and took the grand intoxicating mundane in. A lazy morning has such a potential to be therapeutic even in spite of how our minds jump from thing to thing and a chore to another. I let go of my lists each time they appeared in my minds eye. 'Laundry, groceries, email, facebook, memory glob" all of it came up to my conscious mind and all of it moved to the back of it in its own time as I sat there, and I sat. My yoga practice always had its own colors and motions. Today was slow and graceful. I took my time with every asana and every breath. Staying present in my movement, I was learning to move into stillness. With Ramm Dass's Hanuman Chalisa in the background I was grateful, for the strength, courage and compassion in my life today. As my cup of coffee was freshly brewed and served I sat with my husband and let the slow morning take its own accord. It was then that I knew, my heart would squeeze out regret as naturally as it does gratitude. My fears of a future and of a dying past would wash through me and I can let that be, not ignore but let be.