Where to from here?

Where to from here?

Is this the world I want to live in, she wondered. Is this the kind of life she wanted to lead? She wasn't sure. Somehow things just flowed into right now. They just unfolded the way seasons quietly open up into the other. She didn't mind it, but she did wonder if she could turn it into an intentional journey, shedding unwanted burden,and people along the way. And doing more of what she guessed she would like.

She was often told that life's irksome aspects held wisdom and truth about self. She wanted to accept that and sit with the irksome so that she could open her heart out to it. All she could do was, however, learn that she had strong likes and dislikes about a variety of things, that the irksome things were things she just didn't like, period. Why didn't she like some things and some people? Did it mirror a part of her she did not accept yet? Maybe, but do we ever fully love and accept ourselves? Is that even recommended?

Looking out the window, she stills during the moments of watching yellow, dried leaves float down onto the ground. She stills at the sight of light shining upon the naked tree while creating a shadow all around it. Gosh the vagrant mind, never settling into anything important and always wondering what to take seriously.

She often contemplated about where it was all going, not that it took her anywhere. She always wanted to be more driven, passionate and meaningful and she was able to be all that in bursts and flows. She knew that accepting what is passively always brought her back into an ebb. Daily life ordinary dissociation, she said to herself and accepted it as acceptable. Sometimes, there is no better way to live through a situation than to just live through it. Hopefully, action will present itself. It always does. Such is life, she sighed, with lifts into aha's coming ever so unexpectedly, perhaps when we open up in ways that defies logic or explanations.

As for now, she waits and watches her life unfurl, depressing her and causing joy, her life, this life. Expressing strong dislikes and accepting some with a heavy heart. Yes, she will push and pull pain and pleasure and there is no other way out till the heart is ready, is there?

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For those new to this third person narrative, there is a thread present in my blog that has stories in the third person narrative. This is just a part of that. I write in this form when a certain feeling dawns in me, its a feeling before the dawn of some clarity, that is what I have observed. For more stories on third person narratives on this blog click here, here, and here.




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